southpaw :: "The Caucasian Invasion" lyrics

"The Caucasian Invasion" Lyrics

"Reading The Hobbit"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2004

Verse 1
Lord of the Rings
I don't understand a thing
Can you explain the plot to me
Jackson assumes
That everyone in this room
Knows all of the back-story

Bridge
I'm in the theater with my friends
Having popcorn and a Coke
Giving courtesy laughs about this film
But I don't get their jokes

Chorus
I don't know who this Bilbo is
Or how he got that ring
I missed a real important part
When I left to take a pee
I've been lost for at least five hours
And the end is not in sight
So I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
Tonight

Verse 2
So I logged on
To Amazon.com
They shipped it to me fast that week
I read spellbound
About a hole in the ground
Where there lived this little circus freak

Bridge
I don't want to be the one
Who's never read this book
But right now I cannot tell
A Baggins from a Took

Chorus
I don't know who this Gollum is
Or why he loves bling bling
Can someone buy him a pair of drawers
To cover his G-string
And who the heck is Precious
This dude just don't seem right
So I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
Tonight

Hard Bridge
I'll stay up all night long
But man this book seems long
I'm slammin' Mountain Dew
Now I made it to Chapter Two

Chorus
I don't know who this Gandolf is
Or why he doesn't use a wand
I'm confused by all these dumb subplots
And I'm not even blonde
I don't know why he starts off Grey
But then he dies and he turns White
So I'm reading The Hobbit

Chorus
Who the heck is Samwise
And why'd he change his name
He used to be Rudy
When he played for Notre Dame
And why did Frodo just kiss Sam
That just don't seem right
So I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
Tonight

"Baby Got Book"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2004

Intro
Oh my goodness, Becky, look at her Bible
It is so big
She looks like one of those preacher guys girlfriends
But...you know...Who understands those preacher boys
They only talk to her because she looks like Mother Teresa, ok?
I mean her Bible...it's just so big
I can't believe it's so huge
Uggh! It gross!
Look, she's just so...righteous

Verse 1
I like big Bibles and I can not lie
You Christian brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with a KJV
And a book mark in Proverbs
You get stoked
Got her name engraved
So you know that girl is saved
It looks like one of those large ones
With plenty o' space in the margins
Oh baby, I wanna read witcha
Cause your Bible's got pictures
My minister tried to console me
But that Book you got makes ("M-m-me so holy")
Ooh, momma-mia
You say you want koinonia
Well, bless me, bless me
And teach me about John Wesley

I saw her praying
While I was DJing
She got grace...pretty face
She ain't goin' down to the bad place

I'm tired of heathen guys
Sayin' they like pocket-size
Ask the average Christian to take a look
She's gotta pack much Book

So...Fellas (Yeah), fellas (Yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the Book (Oh yeah!)
Well, read it (Read it!), read it (Read it!), read that Holy Book
Baby got Book

Chorus
(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)
Baby got Book
(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)

Verse 2
I like 'em leather and bound
It's 50 pounds
I just can't understand
How it is, some weenie
Wants the Bible on CD
She wanna get you saved
Amen! Double up! A-men!

I ain't talkin' about a paraphrase
Cuz Paul wouldn't use those anyways
like 'em real thick and red-letteredYou can't find nothin' betterSouthpaw's in love
Bibles that big are unheard of

So I'm sittin' here thinkin' "What if...
I find me a girl that shows midriff?"
You can have those bimbos
I'll keep those chick that do devos
A word to the Christian sistas
I can't resist yaI'll do God's time witcha
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna pray
Til the break of day
Baby, got it goin' on
Like the wife in Pro-verbs 31

We just might get engaged
When we finish reading this page
Cuz it's worn and it's torn
And I know this girl's reborn

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
Do you wanna save people from Hades (yeah) Then read it...'til the pages fall out
Even white preachers got to shout
Baby got Book

(Thompson Chain with big red letters)
Baby got Book

Yeah baby
When it comes to a good book
Stephen King's resume just can't compare
39 + 27 = 66 books
And if you're Catholic...there's even more

So your girlfriend quotes Bill Hybels
But does she got a big Bible?
Cuz that little things she's got won't start a revival
My Bible study don't want none,Unless you got Book, Hon

...You can read Clancy or Grisham
But please don't loose this Book

Some brothers wanna play that hard hard role
And tell you that Book's too old
So they toss it and burn it
And I pull up quick to just learn it
So your girl likes paperback? Well I ain't down with that
Cuz my girlfriend's hot her Bible's rockin'
And she's got good doctrine
To the atheist chicks who try to dis
You ain't it Miss Priss
Give me a Christian, I'm insistin'
And I'll greet her with some holy kissin'
Some pervert tried to chase But he didn't make it past first base
She's quick to resist temptation
And she loves a new translation
So ladies who were lost and found
If you want the triple-six thrown down
Dial 1-800-reads-a-lot
And teach me about those Psalms
Baby got Book

(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)
Baby got Book
(Thompson Chain with big red letters)

Bible college knowledge but she still got Book (4 Xs)

Check out the music video for "Baby Got Book" on the "Left-Handed Humor" DVD available now at the www.whiteboyDJ.com store!

"At this Moment"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2004

Intro
I do think that I'll always be there
I'd give almost anything and everything and I'll occasionally care
Through good times and really awesome times,
For better or for best
I will probably love you with every beat of my heart

Verse 1
At this moment, this seems like fun
At this moment, you're number one
I will trust you but sign this prenup
At this moment, Hun

Verse 2
At this moment, this feels long-term
I will love you, as long as you're firm
Unless you gain weight like a pachyderm
At this moment, Hun

Chorus I
This marriage, it could last for 50 years
Or it could last for just two days like Britney Spears'
Our date night interferes with my career
I've persevered for three whole years

Verse 3
At this moment, you're getting bald
I can't stand it when you chew that loud
If you don't shut up, I'll get this annulled
At this moment, Hun

Verse 4
At this moment, you're such a jerk
You're my soul mate...unless this takes work
Do you mind if I commute to New York
At this moment, Hun

Chorus II
This marriage, it could last for 50 years
If you quit keep playing slingshot with my new brassier
Our date night interferes with my career
I've persevered for three whole years

Verse 5
At this moment life will be sweet
If you bow down and worship my feet
I bought your ring but I kept the receipt
At this moment-
I will love you, I will love you, just don't overeat
At this moment, Hun

"Our Firstborn"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2005

Our firstborn, Zion Daniel Smith
His name was hard to choose
As soon as he came out
We began to shout,
"Hey! Our firstborn Zion Daniel Smith!"
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da...

"NOVA (The Northern VA Anthem)"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2005

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the nation's capital...

N to the izz-O...V to the izz-A...

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to busiest area in the world-the VA suburbs of the Chocolate City-Washington, D.C. ...NoVA!
Thanks for moving here for a whole 3 years and then moving back out.
You coulda been transferred to any place in the world, but you chose to be here with us.
And we appreciate that....unhhh...

Verse 1
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' shizzle my dizzle, used to live in Northern V-A
Was a resident near the home of the president
Our townhouse was heaven-sent
We only had to pay 1300 bones fo' rent
Cheese is green, we spent every red cent
Just to survive in the town where they give up Starbucks for lent
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' sheezy my deezy, payin' bills ain't easy
Can't escape politics, it's so sleazy
Liberals wanna hate on W's "strategery"
Snipers tried to snipe me, terrorists tried to crash us in,
But somehow, the area just keeps growin'
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
I'm not wealthy, trying to be healthy,
And not a workaholic, that's...what I resist
So poof goes my money...'cuz, uh, NOVA's rich

Chorus
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' shizzle my dizzle, used to live in Northern V-A
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
That's the suburbs, home of the Hummers
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Not comin' home from work, I'm too biz-ay
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
That's the anthem, work 'til 1 a.m.

Verse 2
Living in this culture accelerates your age
One year in D.C. is like a stinkin' decade
You'll whither up fast and turn really pale
Like the guy in The Last Crusade drinkin' from the wrong Holy Grail
NFL fans here hate me, always tryin' to debate me
Saying the Washington Redskins shoulda been the team of the 80s
But I never argue with my neighbor 'cuz that dude makes me nervous
He can probably kick my butt because I think he's secret service

Chorus

Verse 3
Yeah, Southpaw's back, talkin' smack through rap
But I do it on CD so you can't talk back
And I ain't even jokin' when I tell you that
When I'm in NOVA, I can barely afford a Big Mac
I was raised in Toledo, turntables and needles
Packed up grandma's sofa, moved out to NOVA
Got caught in rush hour, sat for three hours
And if I fill up my tank it'll cost me $50 dollars
And you might be "at risk" if NOVA's where you live
Because to drive in the fast lane you gotta be HOV positive
And whoever named the streets should be drop-kicked
'Cuz they ran out of ideas and named every road Braddock
New Life and Picantes, the two things I'll miss
The birth of two children, that's what I'll reminisce
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
I'm moving away today but I'm caught in traffic on the beltway

Chorus

Verse 1
If there are lots of Caucasians
What will it be like
When we worship in the sky
If there are lots of Caucasians
On the golden streets
Will they cause the rest of us to clap offbeat
If there are lots of Caucasians

Chorus
Surrounded by white people
I just have to ask,
When they dance for you, Jesus
Will we be allowed to laugh?
Will you bless us all with rhythm
Or will that gift be withheld?
Will they dance real smooth like Usher
Or like Elaine from Seinfeld
If there are lots of Caucasians
If there are lots of Caucasians

Verse 2
If there are lots of Caucasians, will we be allowed
To shout "Amen!" or agree outloud
If there are lots of Caucasians and suburbanites
Will they pass-out cold when they see that You're not White
If there are lots of Caucasians
If there are lots of Caucasians

Chorus 2
Surrounded by White people
I just have to say
That I'd take Kirk Franklin's music
Over Stryper any day
I'd take afros over mullets
When we gather 'round Your throne
Cuz if we let White people lead us
It'll sound like a country song
If there's lots of Caucasians (Yeah)
If there are lots of Caucasians

Chorus 1 Repeated
...Will they dance like Michael Jackson...

If there are lots of Caucasians
On the golden streets
Will they cause the rest of us to clap off-beat?

Verse 1
Young man, there's no need to feel down, I said
Old guy, when you're wearing a frown, I said,
Ladies, feel like you're 'bout to drown
There's no need to be unhappy
Hey dude, there's a place you can go, I said
Hey babe, no where near Idaho
You can stay there and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to reach the divine

Chorus
The burning question is...
Y Don't We Pray
Can someone tell me, please...
Y Don't We Pray
It's got everything that you need for your soul
But don't do it out loud in school
Y Don't We Pray
Y Don't We Pray
You can kneel you can stand
You can sit on your can
Or while you eat your Raisin Bran

Verse 2
Right now, you can get on your knees
You don't have to beg pretty please
He will hear you even if you're a sleeze
He waits with arms wide open

Chorus 2
The burning question is...
Y Don't We Pray
Can someone tell me, please...
Y Don't We Pray
It's got everything that you need for your soul
But don't do it out loud in school
Y Don't We Pray
Don't make me have to shout it...
Y Don't We Pray
You can kneel you can stand
You can sit on your can
Or while you eat your Raisin Bran
Y Don't We Pray!

Check out the music video for "Y Don't We Pray" on the "Left-Handed Humor" DVD available now at the www.whiteboyDJ.com store!

Now, I want you to hear this so adjust your earpieces
When you look at my life, can you identify my thesis?
I don't say all this stuff just to sound facetious
But I wear jeans to church and T-shirts stained with greases
'cuz I don't connect in 3-pieces with the pant-leg creases
Like all the "Big Cheeses" showin' off their dimepieces
God loves you no matter what your expertise is
We're the centerpieces of the universe He polices
But that doesn't mean that He exists just to please us
It means He loves us so much that He smiles when He sees us
John 3:16 says God's Son came to meet us
And Verse 17 says He didn't come to ream us
Test every teaching for spiritual diseases
Like an amniocentesis on an unborn fetus
Because some people say that every religion frees us
Just like there are many ways for you and me to eat a Reeses
But I can't say that stuff just cuz it tickles and it pleases
And I refuse to cover the truth with Botox and hairpieces
I want His name and His game to be my life's thesis
And I don't wanna punk-out like that backslider Demas*
The whole point of us being here is to be His mouthpieces
So I wanna speak His Word from now 'til hell freezes
And when my rhymes flatline and my heartbeat ceases
...I wanna see Jesus

*Demas - See Philemon 23; Colossians 4:14; 2 Timothy 4:10; see also the "Ultimate Fighting Championship" sermon at the www.whiteboyDJ.com store, which is about Demas.

This is the track that let's ya know you're done
So let the song ride out and go back to Track 1
If this is bumpin' in your truck or your jeep
It should go back to Track 1 automatically

Or if you're in your living room chillin' with your folks
They might eject my CD cuz they're sick of my jokes
Or if your stereo's shufflin' on random play
You may not hear my Track 1 for another 8 days

Or if you're stuck in the 80s and you bought a cassette
You'll end up just sittin' there sayin', "What the heck?"
You'll have to flip it over then start Side A
Or you're be sittin' in silence for the rest of the day

But if you're listening to the radio, something's wrong
Cuz why would any station wanna play this song
But if by some miracle they're playing my track
I hope they bought Track 1 and play 'em back to back

Or if you're burning this track for someone ya know
Read Exodus 20 'n stop stealing my dough [Ex. 20:15]
Just get up and back away from your CD-ROM
And tell your friend to hit me up at whiteboyDJ.com

If this is bumpin' in your truck or your jeep
It should go back to Track 1 automatically
This is the track that let's ya know you're done
So let the song ride out and go back to Track 1