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Find Something 2 Hold on 2 | D.E.B.'S. Kid | The Caucasain Invasion

Lyrics for North Coast Patriarchs Album

 

Yo Sound Tech

Hey, yo – sound tech, can I getta mic check

Hopin' that you'll say, "Yes," and you'll make me sound fresh

Can't you just see that, I don't want no feedback

Lemme offer feedback – crowd doesn't need that

So nice to meet you, cuz I need an EQ

"Boom" fillin' up the room, soon they'll be freaks, too

Gotta get a warm-up, so I can perform a

Song from my album when kids start to swarm up

Friends call me "Southpaw" – Boy, I'm like an outlaw

Breakin' people outta jail – Crowd screamin' "Yes y'all"

'Bout my Father's business – People say, "What is this?"

Scrollin' down my hit list – Can I get a witness?

Kickin' these ballistics – Keepin' it artistic

Just in case, you missed it – I hustled in the District

Needed new churches – up around the North Coast

Man, we started 4 o' those – 'bout to start some more o' those

 

Chorus

One, two – check it; Three, fuh-four – check it

One, two – check it; Three, fuh-four – check it, check it

Check this to rock for ya – I'll make it hot for ya

Crushin' mics from here...to Czechoslovakia (C'mon...)

 

Verse Two

Hey, yo – sound tech, can I getta mic check

Hopin' that you'll say, "Yes," and you'll make me sound fresh

Can't you just see that, I don't want no feedback

Lemme offer feedback – crowd doesn't need that

I be slangin' hip-hop – David with a slingshot

Acting like a nut-pot – talking smack and what-not

(OHHH!) We drop giants – (OHHH!) We drop science

(OHHH!) We so defiant – (OHHH!) We start RIOTS!

My weapon is a ditty; punk, we make it gritty

If we can get the students we can take the whole city

I'm searchin' for leaders – Future Saint Peters

Now, slide my channel up a few centimeters – hear the tweeters?

When the beat knocks – up and down your street blocks

That's prob'ly my beat box – hittin' all the sweet spots

It goes... Boom Click, Buh-Boom Boom, Click   

It's the Truth that I spit – and the tune's so sick

 

[Chorus]

 

Bridge

You can mix it up just right

And I can feel it in the air tonight

Turn up the M-I-C-R-O-P-H-O-N-E

And just make the emcee sound tight

(2 Xs)

 

Verse Three

Hey, yo – sound tech, can I getta mic check

Hopin' that you'll say, "Yes," and you'll make me super-fresh

Can't you just see that, I don't want no feedback

Lemme offer feedback – crowd doesn't need that

System's all wired up – Crowd's all fired up

Props to the sound guy – C'mon, throw your hands high

Dude turned the knob left – then he turned the knob right

And if you didn't notice him, it's cuz he did his job right

He checked out the white noise – Then he checked the white boy's

Main vocal wireless – He's workin' with the right toys

Dude is sippin' Folgers – I'm recruitin' soldiers

Real men of God who put the Church up on they shoulders

So I'll just put my Nikes on – You can turn the mics on (Check!)

And lemme get this party started with the right song (Heck!)

It's the invasion of the Caucasian

But my narration needs amplification

 

 

Find Something 2 Hold On 2 (Feat. James Fruits)

Intro
Find something to hold on to
Or when the place starts rockin' we might lose you (Fricka!)

Verse 1
My rap status is the phattest; sometimes I do it gratis
Take you up into the stratus with a breathing apparatus
We're the baddest - We'll make you feel it in your chest cavity
Now jump around like it's zero gravity
Get on the dance floor and let's see whatcha got
Crowd leapin' in the air as if the floor was hot
Got the mic in my hand... and you're likin' the band
Cuz there's violence in my jams like Silence of the Lambs
I see a mob full 'o geeks and freaks
But they all bob in unison when Southpaw speaks
The wiggity-wicka-DJ's on two Technics
And I could speak about the Truth for weeks and weeks
If you're girlfriend brought ya, maybe you should thank her
Don't overlook the thought of makin' her your anchor
Ya need somebody strong to keep you up on your feet
But just make sure that it's a person keepin' up with the beat

Chorus
Find something to hold on to
Or when the place starts rockin' we might lose you
Brace yourself because - oh my gosh
We don't want you to get squashed when we start to mosh
Find something to hold on to
Or when the place starts rockin' we might lose you
Just grab a partner and you better commit
Cuz you don't wanna get split when you jump in the pit

Verse 2
It's like a 10.8 on the Richter scale
Just like an earthquake in the Philippian jail
But don't harm yourself - cuz everybody's a'ight
And if you wanna get dunked, we can do it tonight - Right?
You don't wanna roll Han Solo
Crowds bouncin' up and down like a yo-yo
Music's so loud that they might call the po-po
If we get separated scream, "Marco?" ("Polo!")
Listen! Nobody gets left behind
Cuz any friend of yours is a friend of mine
Two are better than one, cuz if one falls down
There'll be another person there to help him up off the ground
So face the chaos - the sky is fallin'
Search and rescue - my highest callin'
This party is a parable about the world
So use the buddy system, now, boys and girls

[Chorus]

Bridge
I'm taking hits from...
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Non-stop - when we rock; This is why the party's hot
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Knock, knock - gridlock; This is why I'm getting socked

[Chorus]

This party is a parable about the world
So use the buddy system now, boy and girls

Finale
Find something to hold on to...
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Find something to hold on to...
Non-stop - when we rock; This is why the party's hot
Find something to hold on to...
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Find something to hold on to...
Knock, knock - Gridlock - This is why I'm getting socked

 

That Good Stuff

Intro

I could teach seminars about first round picks

Who get a fix hittin' bars to meet bizarre chicks

Short-term superstars addicted to white bricks

Now they're workin' at Dick's weekdays from 9 to 6

But instead I find kicks pulling Jedi mind tricks

On sweet guitar licks and beats for your cliques

Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I'm Nestle Qwik

Now everybody's catchin' colds – My flows are so sick

 

Verse 1

Southpaw – Dan Smith – hey, ya better check the bandwidth – I'm 'bout to be crashin' yo server

Cuz I be bringin' good news when I cruise through ya neighborhood – I do it with the passion and the fervor

I fire up that gospel funk – and let it rattle my trunk – because I like the sound

Of hip-hop – with my flip-flops – in the summer – when I'm rollin' wit the windows down

The sun's shining and my A/C's broke – so my T-shirt's soaked – got it feelin' like a sauna

I just crank those speakers up – It goes boom-shakalaka when it rock in my Honda

My friends all pile in – They got me smilin' – Because somebody tried to freestyle

But that did not go so hot – We all laughed a lot – He's watchin' too much 8 Mile

Who would have ever thought I'd be livin' my life so clean?

No regrets – No hangovers – when I wake up in that morning scene

Good as it gets – No guessin' – No stressin' 'bout my soul

Can't poison me – I got my boys and me – Yeah, the joy's in me – So let's roll...

 

Chorus

We got that good stuff – ya know ya wanna get it

If it wasn't true then I never would have said it, y'all

We got that good stuff – We got that good stuff

We got that good stuff – Get the – get the – good stuff

And the beat goes...

Ta, ta, tee-tee ta – Fa-la-la-la – Hey – Na-na-na

Feelin' like the Grand Poobah – What the cause of this hoopla?

Ta, ta, tee-tee ta – Fa-la-la-la – Hey – Na-na-na

Party like the Mardi Gras – Yeah! Haha! Blame it on Jah

 

Verse 2

We got that good stuff and you­ know you wan­na get it

Uh! We keep knockin' down obstacles and we're givin' the Lord God the credit

Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride – And ain't nothing gonna slow my roll

I got peace with the Most High God – Givin' up full control – That's my goal

Put it on blast – My mood will not be changed by the forecast

Fly above every temporary circumstance – Like a G6 headed to France  (Let's dance)

Love and joy and peace and patience...kindness, goodness, faithfulness

Gentleness and self-control, man – You can always bank on this

Cuz there will never be a law against it – And it will never be consider offensive

It's the good stuff God produces – And you put it to a thousand uses

Good as it gets – No guessin' – No stressin' 'bout my soul

Can't poison me – I got my boys and me – Yeah, the joy's in me – So let's roll...

 

[Chorus]

 

Verse 3

My spirit is so high – You can tell by my flow speed

I gotta a castle on Cloud 9 – Heads up cuz you might get a nose bleed

I'm like Fe...Fi...Fo...Fum – Party inside yo eardrum

Better than Bicardi Rum – Y'all better come and get you some

 

[Chorus]

 

 

Update From Upstate

Intro

Lemme give an update from Ohio's upstate

Man – I been trying to solve this riddle

Lemme give an update from Ohio's upstate

What's round on both ends and high in the middle?

Lemme give an update from Ohio's upstate

And how do you say good morning in Japanese?

Lemme give an update from Ohio's upstate

But in the meantime – he's what I've been doin'...

 

Verse 1

I been burnin' LeBron jerseys in a big LeBon-fire

Tradin' Buckeye hats to get tats wit Terrell Pryor

Eatin' some Nutty Buttys and playing with Silly Putty

Writin' rhymes Day n Nite wit my buddy named Kid Cudi

Challenge anybody mid-twenties to mud wrestle

And I broke some blood vessels while yellin' at Coach Tressel

I went loco – buck wild – accidently butt-dialed

A local radio show and consequently luck smiled

Upon me and I won a brand new Prius

But the only one who fits inside it wit me is my little friend Zaccheaus

And Vern Troyer – Got spinners and a spoiler

And I'm also getting' cease and desist letters from Sir Mixalot's lawyer

But I got some news for ya – I'll never cease and desist

Rhymin like Matisyahu – Timing like Polamalu

Battlin' for Cleveland while I smile like Chief Wahoo

It's that crazy white rapper from the front page o' Yahoo!

 

Chorus

Lemme give an update from Ohio's upstate

Fightin' on them front lines – Writin' all them punch lines

Lemme give an update from Ohio's upstate

Been meetin' my friends in Parma and eatin' chicken shawarma

Lemme give an update from Ohio's upstate

Economic downturn – We won't let this town burn

Lemme give an update from Ohio's upstate

Got my looks from Drew Carey – My humor from Halle Berry

 

Verse 2

I played darts at a sports bar then hoped in my smart car

Went home and play yard darts and got stabbed in the heart by Bart Starr

That's gonna leave a scar – So I made a bar chart

About how the accuracy of that sports star's drastically fallen apart

Next I went to the mall and got chased down the hall by Paul Blart

All because I made a fart noise while he was in the bathroom stall at Walmart

But I escaped when I hopped behind a shopping cart full o' Pop Tarts

Playin' hide-n-seek in a department store with a mall cop is a lost art

From there I went to Cinemark to see Saw Part Twenty

Ate a small box o' Good n Plenties that I payed for with all pennies

But I think I ate too many – My outtie used to be an innie

So I went back to the mall to buy myself some jeans that were not skinny

Then I took some sick leave and flew to Tel Aviv with Big Cleve

Where we were na•ve and thought we bought a piece of Adam and Eve's fig leaves

Oh well – back to the hotel – to read Spurgeon for this sermon

Cuz I'm still learnin' to run my mouth every Sunday morning like Chris Berman

 

Chorus

 

Bridge

North...Coast...Hip...Hop

 

Verse 3

I been playin' some spin the bottle every day with a supermodel

Now my minivan is jammed with a big clan of mini-Dans

From baby rattles and peek-a-boo to battlin' Pikachu

And I grew out my hair like Justin Bieber for a week or two

Getting' in great shape from hittin' the Shake Weight

Now I might walk around half-naked like Jacob from Twilight

Been watching UFCs at BW3

And I kinda look like Huggy Bear cuz I wear my Snuggie there

Been trying to lay low – just pimpin' in Halo

Rackin' head shots in SWAT with Chris Simpson so stay low

I got that double-rainbow excitement – when the light bent

So perfectly – Could it be a triple? – It's a riddle!

Been searching for life on Mars – And watching the movie Cars

Writin' 16 bars while I'm travelin' to the stars

Big Dipper made me chipper – Now, I'm back, I'm right here

I'm Andy Davis, cuz I've had this Buzz for a Lightyear

 

Chorus

 

Outro

I been fillin' up Vimeo with really dumb videos

I been leading Momentum's staff and makin' hyenas laugh

I been goin' to Five Guys buyin' burgers and fries

I been reading The Hunger Games and booin' LeBron James

I been tryin' to fight foo since World War II

I been bein' real apostolic while dreamin' about hydraulics

 

 

Psalm 23 (Feat. Zion, Azlan, & Journey)

The Lord's my Leader—and this is hard to explain

But somehow, because of Him, I don't need a thing

I think that I do—I need all kinds of stuff

But he sits me down and tells me that enough is enough

 "I want. I want! I NEED! I NEED!"

He says, "You don't need. Sit down and shut up."  I agreed.

He's the Shot-caller; I'm the yes-yaller

And I never talk back cuz I'm a little bit smaller

He recharges me...and fills my God-shaped vacuum           

He leads me down a path where I can go to the bathroom

When I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I see some freaky junk that always takes away my breath

But He is with me—white-knuckled; staff in-hand

My enemies lunge at me; they'll be dead when they land

There's a battle for my soul; Can't see it, but I know it

An' I got angels surrounding me diving and taking bullets

A poet – but I sit at the Master's table

I'm eatin' the meat an' potatoes that He got from Cain and Able

He dubs me as a leader while we're grubbin' at this luncheon

And all who ever doubted me are standin' there watchin'

Why would He choose me? I don't know, but He keeps blessin'

I'm trying to make a difference but I keep on second-guessin'

I'm independent – Need to be more reliant

If I trust in His strength, the prophets say I'll kill some giants

...What? I'll kill giants?

Yeah! I'll kill giants!

He fills up – my Starbucks – venti cup – with good luck

I'm awestruck – I'm a Schmuck – and my life – used to suck

Surely goodness and love will follow me all my days

I'll never leave God's house and re-enter the maze

 

 

Patriarchs (Feat. Big Cleve)

Intro

Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob, & Joseph

Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob, & Joseph

(4Xs)

 

Patriarchs, come forth!

 

Chorus

Let there be no question mark that I am a patriarch

Charge into the dark with lights shinin'

No matter what you say we are – We are still some patriarchs

We lightin' up this world and it's so blindin'

(2Xs)

 

Verse 1 (Big Cleve)

Can I find one man from the land that will stand
With the Word in his mouth and a bible in his hand
With the sword of the Lord, righteous armies to command
That will never back down, sticks to the Lords plan
An assassin with a passion always looking for some action
He stays turned up if he's preaching or he's rapping
It's time to get it cracking, he likes to make it happen
Of course you can catch him in a tee and cargo shorts
Standing calm with fitted on, on your front porch
Preaching the good news with the Spirit as his source
Got 300 riders, a real soul survivor
Empower by the power that lives deep inside him
Mentor to many men, humbled when he wins
And he's ruthless with his flaws, especially his sins
A husband to his wife, a father to his kids
Sending prayers up north, patriarchs come forth

 

Chorus

 

Verse 2 (Dan)

I'm just a stud sheddin' blood – step into the joint blastin'

Call me Ehud – the crazy left-handed assassin

"I got a message for you and it's from the Everlastin'"

["What?!"] I'll stick this double-edged sword in your gut

You cannot comprehend the villains that we chasin'

Slicin' and dicin' and spillin' blood like Jason

Knock 'em in the face, man – Lock 'em in the basement

Make 'em do a face plant – Take the chalk and trace them

We fightin' goblins like Batman & Robin

Some dudes think they Superman, but they part of the problem

My crew is straight mobbin' – We keep your heads bobbin'

It's all because my God is "Indescribable" – Tomlin

This is how the song goes – We attack strongholds

Firin' these longbows – Fearless like some Mongols

Cowards have all gone home – Making sure their lawn's mowed

Saving up their money to go party in Orlando

That is not our plan though – We gon' make an impact

In fact – we're keepin' these precious families intact

Stories when it's bedtime – That should make some headlines

Sweet-talking our wives as much as we be meeting deadlines

We gotta get back in the booth – There is way too much o' this... (Dead time)

Let me break the-truth-down-for-you so u can digest it... (Enzymes)

Dude – you gotta man up and stand up – We're goin' to war so grab your sword

And you can bring it up North – Now Patriarchs, come forth!

 

[Chorus]

 

Bridge

Abraham, Isaac, & Jacob, & Joseph

12 sons of Israel, and then there was Moses

Enoch and Noah and David were some soldiers

I put this family, church, and city on my shoulders

(2Xs)

 

Verse 3 (Dan)

A patriarch is archetypal – We multiply disciples

And we multiplyin' leaders all the time – Billy Hybels

And bring your Bibles cuz we multiplying small groups

Serving in our neighborhoods and fixing basketball hoops

And Lord, search us – cuz we're multiplying churches

Acts 13 – We're sending leaders 'til it hurts us

And last of all, we're multiplying church-planting networks

So crack your knuckles, stretch your muscles, & take off your sweatshirts

We need to be resourceful cuz the Kingdom is advancing

Through these forceful men – We've been remorseful men

And like Job – 'til I'm deceased – I'm the priest of my household

I'm on my knees beggin', "Please, make my mouth bold!"

We need some more saints slappin' on the war paint

The harvest is plentiful but the laborers sure ain't

"Jesus – I'll be your servant – if you ain't picky and you'll have me"

And now we're fightin' serpents like Rikki Tikki Tavi

 

[Chorus]

 

 

Viral

Talking Intro (Cut from Final Studio Mix)

The year was 2005...

My wife and I were living in Greater Washington, D.C with our one-year old son....

One night, Shannon and I were lying in bed.

She was fast asleep next to me – 8 months pregnant with our second child...

When I prayed a desperate prayer to God...

I said, "God – we feel like you're calling us to go start churches in Cleveland, OH...

But we barely have any money...

If you want us to go in spite of that – we'll do it...

But we wanna make sure that You're in this...

God – if You want us to go...please – somehow – let us know."

Well – the very next week – on the day that my daughter Azlan was born...

My rhymes went viral...

 

Verse 1

The kids on my block call me "Daddy Goose"

Cuz I got more rhymes than Dr. Seuss

Plus a screw is loose, man; I'm loco; I'm crazy

Rappin' like Jay-Z, dancing' like Swayze

I make it hot when I step in the spot

And everybody gets up and tries to do the robot

And I got a T-shirt and some ripped up jeans

Fake diamonds on my ears and I'm missin' my spleen

I don't mean to brag, I don't mean to boast

But I preach the gospel from coast to coast

From VH-1 to the New York Times

I've let 'em know that Christ is my paradigm

I live it onstage, offstage, backstage, front page

In and out of season, even when it causes outrage

So, I guess you could say I'm outrageous

But while you're hatin' on me, I'm becoming contagious

 

Chorus

My rhymes, my rhymes, muh-muh-my rhymes

My rhymes, my rhymes, muh-muh-my rhymes

My rhymes, my rhymes, muh-muh-my rhymes

My rhymes, my rhymes...(HAVE GONE VIRAL...)        

(2Xs)

 

Verse 2

Hip-hop – my mnemonic device

I speak life – you hear the message once, twice, or thrice

Sure to be memorized when it's promoted to your playlist

Echoing through yer brain 'til pretty soon you can say this

In the mirror – you quote it; act like you wrote it

Fire up your camcorder so people can download it

Now it's on YouTube and it's getting' tens of hits

All your dawgs eat it up like it's Kibbles 'n Bits 'n Bits

Before long – they Google my song

Dan Smith – one click – whiteboyDJ.com

Ask your mom, "Can I get that joint from iTunes?"

And that's how my point spreads like Swine Flu

Cuz my God can speak through an iPod

He speaks through donkeys and honkies, and dorks who have a tripod

"Hey, maybe if I write a spoof, it too will go viral"

Insert eye roll – Oh no, this could spiral

 

[Chorus]

 

Bridge

Cuz God is my Holy Ghostwriter, man

I'm all over the web so they call me "Spider-Man"

So turn ya speakers up and roll ya windows down

Let's spread this pandemic through these waves of sound

(2 Xs)

 

Verse 3

I've had Tex-Mex in Dallas and cheesesteaks in Philly

Chicago's deep-dish and Cincinnati's chili

Cuz people around the globe wanna hear my flows

And my website's got more hits than Pete Rose

I travel the circuit; just rhymin' and smirkin'

Networkin' with leaders while kids are breakin' and jerkin'

Constant fan mail and hate mail, voicemail and email

Snail mail from jail and notes written in Braille

But it's all happened because my God is humungous

And He's the one who made my rhymes so catchy like foot fungus

I do what I do because He called me to do it

And I keep Love at the center like Jennifer Hewitt

He gave me success to teach me humility

And with great power comes great responsibility

My rhymes have gone viral; everybody's infected

But, "Too whom much is given, much is expected," y'all...

 

[Chorus]

 

 

Never Without a Parable

Intro

He who has ears – Let him hear

 

Verse 1

World's #1 Dad – Had a son turn bad

Begged for him for his trust fund...and he may have cussed some

Cashed it out so early – Attitude was surly

"Goodbye, Dad. Gotta go – Guess I am a prodigal"

Brutha used to live clean – Now he's got that big green

You could call it "pimp dream" – Alcoholic whip cream

Partied in Daytona – Started poppin' soma

Chased it with Corona – Basically in a coma

Porn stars: He's gottem – Close to rock bottom

Some agree he's "sinning" – He believes he's... "Winning"

Brain is all fryin' up – Money's all dryin' up

Credit cards maxed out – Friends are all cracked out

Used to be a rich kid – Number unlisted

Had it all but missed it – Brain got all twisted

Now he's in that far land – Workin as a farm hand

Fiendin' for that pig slop – This is where the gig stops

Goin' home broken – Apologize to Big Pops

"Why's my Daddy huggin' on me? Why'd he gimme flip flops?"

"Dad's killin the cattle and raisin' up the big top"

"Party at my Father's house! Fire up the hip-hop"

 

Chorus

He who has ears – Let him hear

He who has ears – Let him hear

He who has ears – Let him hear

Cuz I'm never without a parable – Never without a parable

-----

Unexpected invitation to a feast

Kingdom of God is on the rise like yeast

Flippin' the script on whose the greatest and the least

I'm out in the field diggin' for treasure like a beast

 

Verse 2

Sightseer in Cali – Drove to Death Valley

Rollin' in a compact – Brother got carjacked

Beat him like a code red – Left him in da road dead

That assessment was false – Better learn to check a pulse

'Long came a chaplain – Saw what had happened

Drove around the victim – Might as well have kicked 'im

Next a youth pastor...passed 'im even faster

All of God's anointed...busy with appointments

Last came a gay man – Aviator Ray Bans

Comin' from a the Bay, man – Came up with a game plan

Cell phone was worthless – Cou'n't get no service

Grabbed the first aid kit – Prayed dat he would make it

Pulled up his Miata – Moved a lotta Prada

Luggage to da trunk for this human pi–ata

Drove him to the nearest house – Yada, yada, yada

Dropped a big wad o' presidents on those residents

"I'll cover expenses – 'Til he comes to his senses

Gotta go, but I ain't done yet" – Rode off into the sunset

You may not like the hero – He ain't Robert De Niro

But the challenge from my Savior is "Love & serve thy neighbor"

 

[Chorus]

 

Verse 3

Immortal King of Glory – Floorin' me with authority

Had a moral to his story – An oral allegory

Most preachers – They bore me – Five minutes and I'm snoring

Sermons are unbearable – Terrible and unshareable

But that is not my Jesus – Forever incomparable

Clever but inerrable – Never without a parable

Those epic homiletics – both poetic and prophetic

Nowadays if it's aesthetic – "It's so shallow and pathetic"

You don't get it – Christian faith is in the realm of kinetics

That's why Jesus spoke through narrative – Action was imperative

You geeks are so see-through – You want that Greek and Hebrew

Dodgin' that transparency – That's heresy, you Pharisees

The three-point model's not Christ's – It's Aristotle's

Application is the meat – you're still suckin' on a bottle

You could live the Great Commission with some street definitions

If you'd spit hot plots written by God, they would listen

The mission is reproducible – Silence is inexcusable

For ladies and for fellas – Army of storytellers

True disciples in America are goin' the extra mile

Don't just imitate his character – Emulate his style

 

 

Beneficiary of a Mismatch (Remix)

Verse 1

Let me be honest, I ain't lyin' to y'all

I was a late-bloomer if I ever bloomed at all

At 16, I could eclipse the sun with my nose

I had some skinny chicken legs and some K-Mart clothes

My...pimples were big; and my...muscles were little

I had a "butt-cut"—hair was parted right down the middle

And...nobody's teeth were as crooked as mine

When I smiled—it looked like I was throwing up gang signs

Absolutely no hair on my arms or legs

I looked like a burn victim or Greg Louganis

I didn't get many dates, growing up in the 80s

I was an eyesore, always strikin' out with the ladies

I need a girl with the perspective of Shallow Hal

Who sees my inner-beauty—not just a "buddy" or "pal"

You see, I shower every day, but I'm not much of a catch

So, man, I wanna be the beneficiary of a mismatch

 

Chorus

APB to dispatch, I need a mismatch

Callin' all chicks who need a charity fix

Aimin' higher than I should hopin' I can convince

A pretty lady to kiss a frog and pray for a prince

(2X)

 

Verse 2

I ain't playin'—I wanna get my mismatch on

Like Jennifer losing Brad, then dating Vince Vaughn!?!

Like Grandpa Douglas hookin' up with Catherine-Zeta Jones

That dude musta bought about a thousand T-Mobile phones

Why is Beyonce with homely Jay-Z?

Holy Billy Bob Thornton an' Angelina Jolie?

How can a nottie like me – Get a hottie like she

Hustlin' like Russel Brand wit Katie Perry

Some girls in this world look like they lost a bet

Lookin' like Princess Fiona...but their datin' Shrek!

And I'll take that sweet mismatch any ol' day

And I don't even care what all my close friends say

They can whisper that she's outta my league but dagnabbit

I wanna be like Roger with Jessica Rabbit

I need a wife that's boomin' like an M-16

Then I'll be like that fat dude from the King of Queens

Why can't a woman have compassion on me

I'd be a total gentleman—just try me and see

I'd put the toilet seat down but I guess I'm no catch

I just wanna be the beneficiary of a mismatch

 

[Chorus]

 

Verse 3

Then when I turned 18, I started living the dream

I hit the motherload at the Christian college scene

When I arrived on campus, couldn't believe me eyes

I saw hotties walkin around with the homeliest guys (ugliest; dudes; homeliest)

And they weren't just friends, I was totally shocked

To see the way that their fingers were in-ter-locked

And I don't mean to be rude, but I just had to conclude

That Christian chicks seems to pick up the ugliest dudes

Now...don't get me wrong—cuz that's NOT a complaint

And don't think that I'm saying it should change, cuz I ain't

I just went to work fast to find me a wife

And then I saw the hottest girl I'd ever seen in my life ("Hey, baby!")

I said, "Baby-girl...you're hot! ...And I'm not.

But if you give me a shot, then I'll thank God a lot

That there's a woman in this world who looks past looks

And you must be a godly woman cuz "Baby Got Book"

She paused for a minute then she cracked a smile

To let me know my rap was worth her while

I picked her up at seven, we rented Can't Buy Me Love

A mismatch made in heaven, just like a foot in a glove

And now that I'm married the girls are flirtin' and thangs

But I say, "Sorry, I'm taken" and then I flash the ring

I open doors for my bride and suddenly I'm a catch?

It feels great to be the beneficiary of a mismatch...

 

Chorus #2

APB to dispatch, I found a mismatch

Call off the search, I found a girl in the Church

If you're a hot Christian girl...uh oh!—here's the catch

You're prob'ly gonna be the benefactor of a mismatch...

(2Xs)

 

 

Can't Shut Me (Feat. Shannon Smith)

 

Chorus

Can't shut me in – Can't shut me out

Can't shut me up – Can't shut me down

You wanna shut me off – but you're not allowed

And all you haters know exactly what I'm talkin' about

 

Verse 1

I fire angry words like Angry Birds – cuz dang these nerds

Got me so tired o' liars – That's why I sang these words

They all conspire like enemies in the 83rd

Psalm – But I'm droppin' these bombs – Mainly, I slang these verbs

To all you naysayers & prayer haters

Persecutors & all you Twitter gangsters on your computers

To all you cowards airin' laundry in your Facebook posts

To Christian talk show hosts tryin' to burn me like toast

Attackin' my ministry cuz I reach out to sinners

Methodology IS theology – Who you havin' for dinner?

You talk smack when you speak – You'd probably laugh if I sink

I risk it all for the Kingdom while you sit back and critique

You named our church on the air? Man – don't mention this church

Cuz I'm a shepherd – I'll protect her – You shoulda talked to me first

My wrath at you is righteous and I might just have to

Quote Matthew 18:15 – Your focus should be shifting

From character assassination to godly confrontation

That's why I sent that email – So we could have this conversation

But I never heard back so I guess I'll have to wait a second...

To teach you a lesson on Galatians 2:11

 

[Chorus]

 

Verse 2

Your life's a microcosm of a whole church playin' possum

It'd be awesome if you'd uuuuse that microphone to make it blossom

Want some adviiice? Well, I got some – Before you rock some

More blogs or articles releasin' negative particles in the atmosphere – Listen here...

I ain't just tryin' to start a beef with some Christian rival

But...nobody deputized you to be the doctrine 5-0

You should rethink your format – The Church ain't your doormat

And...you don't wanna see the Lion of Judah turn into a freakin' war cat

Hey Borat – quit tryin' to stir it up – Spreadin' that Christian hate

From place-to-place – Listen, mate – Just talk to me face-to-face

I'm not above rebuke – even from Duke Nukem or some hater

But I'm told sometimes the young redeem the old – Just like...Luke did with Vader

 

[Chorus]

 

Verse 3

I fire angry words like angry birds – It's so absurd

That you would question my callin' – But I won't be deterred

I'm 'a just keep ballin' while you're fallin' for Satan's scheme

Straight missin' your mission busy dissin' and hatin' teammates

Seems great – Arm chair quarterback sitting back talkin' smack

Ouch! Cuz he does it with a friendly tone

"He must be so Christlike!" Psych!

He's plankin' on the couch while I'm Tebowing in the end zone

Thankin' God for every pass that I've thrown

Read about it – Tweet about it – Write a blog, dog

Bill Maher of Christianity – He's not a fan of me

Ironically, we family – How can it be? This is insanity

Don't say, "Calm down" – I wanna rain this napalm down

But that's the old man – the old Dan – tryin' to come up out the ground

Yo – I could dog you with this mic – Shoot my mouth off like a rocket

["If I want you to speak, I'll put a biscuit out my pocket..."]

But no – gotta fight those thoughts cuz Christ said, "Blessed are the meek."

And that don't mean "weak" – It means "strength under control" in the Greek

So I'll keep this tongue tamed and I'll refrain from playin' games and namin' names

And if you really wanna try to edify the Church – You need to first climb down from your sniper perch

 

[Chorus]

 

 

Raise the Dead

Chorus 1

I'm Dan Smith and I'm back from the dead (Dead!)

I been resurrected – that's what I said (Said!)

So just gimme the microphone and start bobbin' yer head (Head!)

Cuz, yo – I got the kinda lyrics that could raise the dead

(2Xs)

 

Verse 1

Back from the grave like John Locke – The crowd's shocked

It's unexpected – It's a twist in the plot

I was "Lost" but now I'm found – I'm comin' for you

And "Don't tell me what my God can't do"

Cuz I was fightin' in my neighborhood – livin' like a terror

Come stand wit me – You can be my pallbearer

Hittin' on Candy and Stacie and Sarah

That's how I lived my life in the B.C. era

Blind to my error – and cuttin' it close

Call me Pac-Man cuz I'm always runnin' from ghosts

I'm like a firstborn Egyptian and here comes the destroyer

But lady down the street's an undercover prayer warrior

Ya only knew me then, well, you don't know me

And this is goin' out to all my dead homies

He brought me back to life – swingin' a surgeon's knife

Openin' up eyelids among the pyramids (BOOM!)

 

Chorus 2

I'm Dan Smith and I'm back from the dead

I been resurrected that's what I said

So just gimme the microphone and start bobbin' yer head

Cuz, yo – I got the kinda lyrics that could raise the dead

-----

Did he just say...what I think he said?

Yeah – I got the kinda lyrics that could raise the dead

Did he just say...what I think he said?

That's right – I got the kinda lyrics that could raise the dead

 

Verse 2

Those other rappers claim that they can spit fye-yuh

But I make it hotter than jeans comin' out the dryer

They got them songs that can daze your head

But, yo, I got the kinda lyrics that'll raise the dead

Hip-hop is in the middle of a lyrical drought

This party's dead so I'm givin' it mouth-to-mouth

Bringin' the dead to life – Swingin' a surgeon's knife

Openin' up eyelids among the pyramids

But you can't spit one verse without a curse

Quit holdin' your jewels and put 'em back in your purse

And what's worse, your outbursts are just a sign of your thirst

Most dudes who wrestle God end up getting' immersed

Anyone can make a comeback like Garrison Hearst

The universe is perverse but He's inversin' the curse

There was a time in my life when my rhymes were the worst

I was headed to the grave but He put the hearse in reverse (and now...)

 

[Chorus 2]

 

Bridge

I remember how it felt on the other side

Nowadays it feels like that was another guy

And brother, I...wonder why...we thought we were livin'

We were Bruce Willis 'til truth filled us – Now we're forgiven

I remember how it felt on the other side

Nowadays it feels like that was another guy

And brother, I...wonder why...we thought we were livin'

We were Bruce Willis – But who can feel us? – Now we're forgiven

 

Verse 3

Jesus and the dozen got the news one day

That one of his best friends Lazarus had passed away

Thomas said, "If we go see him, then we'll all die, too."

But Jesus cracked a little smile and said, "I thought you knew."

They showed up at the funeral to pay their respect

But everybody looked at Jesus like, "What the heck?"

"You're a miracle worker and we don't mean to hate

But dude, you showed up to this joint about four days late!"

The whole crowd got quiet like somethin' 'bout to happen

Jesus wept and then he stepped up to the tomb and start rappin'

"Lazarus, come forth!" – that's all that he said

Because he had the kinda lyrics that could ["Raise the dead"]

And if he could do it for Lazarus, he can do it for me

Just like Michael Jackson's Thriller all up in 3-D

I'm a dead man walking cuz God kept stalkin'

He changed my life and I can't stop talking – sayin'...

 

[Chorus]

 

 

Bunny Beef

Verse 1

Check-checkity-check a-check-check

What's a bunny gotta do to get a little respect

I'm sick o' Chris Kringle getting all o' da props

And hearing people talk about him everywhere that I hop

I never get milk and cookies or letters from kids

Even though my holiday is straight better than his

You think the Easter Bunny's second class?

Please! You must be smokin' that Easter grass

Because I work my bushy tail off every Spring

Nonetheless, on Easter Day there ain't no carols to sing

But when the fat man's comin' down Santa Claus Lane

You got 80,000 tunes up inside o' your brain

Well, it's gone too far and this junk's gotta cease

I just can't stand back and watch my status decrease

And you may think that I'm poppin' off at the mouth

I got beef with Saint Nick so I'm calling him out

 

Pre-Chorus

Santa – I'm about to put the heat-on-you

Don't make me get street-on-you

Bring all your elves – I'mma bring all my Peeps!

This is some U-S-D-A approved...BUNNY BEEF

 

Chorus

Bunny beef! Buh-buh-bunny beef!

Bunny beef! Buh-buh-bunny beef!

Bunny beef! Buh-buh-bunny beef!

Bunny beef! Buh-buh-BUNNY BEEF

 

Post-Chorus

Don't-push-me-cause-I'm-close-to-the-edge

I'm-try-in'-not-to-burn-your-sled

                   

Verse 2

I hate to wear my feelings up on my sleeve

But Santa Clause has got me grittin' my buckteeth

When I see his face I'm like a basket case

Get it – "basket case"? Just forget it.

You ride around lookin' smug in your Bentley

I wrote my own Wikipedia entry

With all those endorsements – You're rollin' in the cheddar

But I had to get a second job with Hugh Hefner

I'll shave your beard off, Santa Clause

We got beef like Jay and Nas

Your head is hollow like a chocolate egg

And, by the way, here's a brochure from Jennifer Craig

Step to me, Pops – Man, I dare you to try

The Easter Bunny doesn't die, I just multiply

And I challenge you to a holiday brawl

If you wanna a neutral place, we can meet in the mall

 

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

 

Breakdown

This is going out to my boyz...all the other holiday icons...

We refuse to be ignored any longer...

Shout outs to Cupid, Uncle Sam, my groundhog dawg, Punxsutawney Phil, to all my pilgrims and leprechauns...and the Hanukkah Armadillo. Honorable mention to the Tooth Fairy. And special thanks to all my chickens who provide the eggs...

 

Verse 3

This is going out to my main man, Cupid

I think that Santa Clause's hat looks stupid

And to the Saint Patty's leprechaun

I heard you just went on a date with St. Nick's mom

To the pilgrims and to Uncle Sam

Let's put Kris Kringle's face in the sand

And to the Jolly Old Elf who thinks he grand-deluxe

Peep this: Easter rocks and Christmas sucks!

 

[Chorus]

 

 

Find Something 2 Hold On 2 (Part II – Feat. Bumps Inf & James Fruits)

Verse 1 (Dan)

Music is just like an adrenaline shot

So sick when ya hear a hit from a veteran drop

Let the Excedrin pop – You been fairly warned

This crowd's goin' airborne – Blowin' loud air horns

Stiff-arm or ya might get trounced

Just like a toddler inside a middle school moon bounce

We guarantee a few scratches and a maybe a fat lip

Cuz these cats is straight tripping' – Our music is catnip – Uhh!

We make it phat like Hurley from Lost

Cuz I hate all o' this rap being girly and soft

Got independent releases, dedicated to Jesus

With them heaven-bound sounds making speakers pound 

Meanwhile, I keep absorbing all these hockey checks

That's life...What the heck – It's what I've come to expect

Look around – Got bodies dropin' like the rainforest

But we don't want no casualties during the main chorus, so...

 

Chorus
Find something to hold on to
Or when the place starts rockin' we might lose you
Brace yourself because - oh my gosh
We don't want you to get squashed when we start to mosh
Find something to hold on to
Or when the place starts rockin' we might lose you
Just grab a partner and you better commit
Cuz you don't wanna get split when you jump in the pit

 

Verse 2 (Bumps Inf)

I need something to hold – Yeah, something more permanent

Not something that'll burn when you throw it in furnaces 

Better turn to Him & learn to grip what God did

Cuz you'll get crushed in life's proverbial mosh pit

Cuz homey you'll get stomped out so my best advice for you is just to calm down

Cuz life can be a female dog and with the wrong lenses on we can't see Hells fog 

I've seen because his spiritual Visine

Hit up the dark parts of my heart with His high beams 

But with ya eyes clean

You and me can see there's more to the picture like we had viewed it in widescreen  

As far as my rhymes schemes – I want em to line up with the cross

And not cross the line like a crime scene 

Enough with all these metaphors – Just look at Christ paradise is what you're headed towards

 

[Chorus]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Bridge
We crush mics 'til...

3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock

Like a shot from a glock – Body goin' into shock

3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Hard rock, hip-hop – Just in case you forgot

(2Xs)

 

[Chorus]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Look around – Got bodies dropin' like the rainforest

But we don't want no casualties during the main chorus, so...

 

Finale
Find something to hold on to...
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Find something to hold on to...
Like a shot from a glock – Body goin' into shock

Find something to hold on to...
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Find something to hold on to...
It's hard rock, hip-hop – Just in case you forgot

Find something...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Epitaph (Feat. God's Child)

 

Chorus 1

I don't want my epitaph to say I made you laugh

Or that I wrote some funny songs and signed some authographs

And if that's all you know about me then you don't know half

I'm tryin' to lead a freakin' army down that narrow path

(2Xs)

 

Verse 1

Now I want you to hear this so please put on your headphones

How will you remember me when I'm only dead bones

Underneath a headstone? And my life was like a mist

How many names did I successfully write on Schindler's list?

Now how many notches on my bedpost or how many those dames I've kissed

Now how many hot chicks seduced with a red rose – Yo, I froze that wrist

I don't wanna miss – My one shot – My one life

Gonna be faithful to just – My one God – My one wife

Goin' into beast mode – Dan Smith in a priest robe – Disturbin' the peace – 808s the police code

Followers are threefold – And my legacy is buildin' through my children

We're gonna shout about the love of God like a who suffers with TOURETTE'S

I don't wanna be a meth head on my death bed dying with REGRETS

So I make a vow – Never look back – Hand on the plow and now I attack

Release the kraken and I'll smack 'im while I fade to black and

When the paramedics announce the death of my poetics

Don't weep – I'm just asleep – There's a surprise after the credits

 

[Chorus 1]

 

Verse 2 (God's Child)

[TBA]

 

Chorus 2

I don't want my epitaph to say, "That boy could rap"

Or that I wrote some dope songs and that I made you clap

And if that's all you know about me then you don't know jack

I'm tryin' to lead a freakin' army down that narrow path

 

Bridge

Christ in the D-N-A of D-A-N

Got patriarchs and matriachs up in my family tree again

We hit the streets like B-A-M – Rockin' mics 'til 3 AM – We C-A-N

Ripple effect goes on and on for Thee til you see me again

 

Verse 3 (Dan)

Now, I want you to hear this so adjust your earpieces

When you look at my life, can you identify my thesis? [echo, or whisper, "thesis"]

Now, I don't say all this stuff just to sound facetious

But I wear jeans to church and T-shirts stained with greases

'Cuz I don't connect in 3-pieces with the pant-leg creases

Like all the "Big Cheeses" showin' off their dimepieces

God loves you no matter what your expertise is

We're the centerpieces of the universe He polices

But that doesn't mean that He exists just to please us

Means He loves us so much that He smiles when He sees us

John 3:16 says God's Son came to meet us

And Verse 17 says He didn't come to ream us

Test every teaching for spiritual diseases

Like an amniocentesis on an unborn fetus

Cuz some people say that every religion frees us

Just like there are many ways for you and me to eat a Reese's

But I can't say that stuff just cuz it tickles and it pleases

And I refuse to cover the truth with Botox and hairpieces

I want His name and His game to be my life's thesis

And I don't wanna punk-out like that backslider Demas

The whole point of us being here is to be His mouthpieces

So I wanna speak His Word from now 'til hell freezes

And when my rhymes flatline and my heartbeat ceases

                                                ...I wanna see Jesus

 

[Chorus 2]

 

 

 

"D.E.B.'S. Kid" (2008) Lyrics

Camp Crusty (The Church Camp Theme Song)

Intro Verse

Well, I been goin' to church camp since I was a kid

But when I first showed up, I nearly flipped my lid

You see, this place isn't funded by no Donald Trump

We call it Camp Crusty cuz this place is a dump


Chorus

Camp Crusty... that place is so musty

Camp Crusty, trust me... that place is so musty, dusty

Camp Crusty... that place is so musty

Camp Crusty, trust me... that place is so musty, dusty, rusty, crusty


Verse 1

Out in the middle of some freaky woods

Where the service on your cell phone ain't that good

There's a camp that dates way back to Adam and Eve

All my friends have been going since they were conceived

The place has a name but we call it Camp Crusty

Cuz even the cross on the sign is all rusty

The seats in the chapel are as hard as rocks

And the guys who is preachin' never owns a clock

An' you can prob'ly get a clue from the yellowish hue

The swimming pool's been dirty since early June

So if you swim one lap from here to there

When you come out you'll be covered with a pound of hair

And the toilets are the filthiest things that I've seen!

I'm never touch the commode, I just squat and lean...

Yeah, the cabins are neato, the campfire's groovie

But it looks like the perfect setting for a slasher movie at...


Chorus

Camp Crusty... that place is so musty

Camp Crusty, trust me... that place is so musty, dusty

Camp Crusty... that place is so musty

Camp Crusty, trust me... that place is so musty, dusty, rusty, crusty


Verse 2

The first thing that they do is, they tell us the rules

Don't dive in the pool and don't be acting a fool

No cell phones, iPods, or Halo 3

No PDA and no LSD

No alcohol, tobacco, and please don't curse

And please turn in your Ridiline to Crusty's nurse

No kissin' the girlies, and no givin' swirlies

If we catch ya doing this, then you'll go home early

Hugs not drugs, and no cigarettes

No guns, no bombs, and no bayonets

And I guess, one time, somebody brought their Petz

Cuz, now, every year we gotta hear 'bout that!

But the Dress Code stuff - you can't say enough

Or you'd have kids runnin' 'round this place in the buff

I thought girls would be modest at a Christian camp

Aw, snap! They're wearin' shirts from Baby Gap

They're wearin' Daisy Dukes and spaghetti straps

I bet their bathing suits are made o' plastic wrap

It's like Victoria's Secret, my brain is under attack

So please, Camp Dean, lay down the smack at...


Verse 3

There was definitely something in my bed, last night

I'm pretty sure it made a nest in my head, last night

And the spot between my shoulder blades is itchin' bad

Cuz I'm rockin' poison ivy from Capture the Flag

We got our camp photos back; they were passed around

I looked like an idiot cuz my fly was down

Already dying for some food from the outside world

Cuz one more camp meal's gonna make me hurl

You see, my camp's real name is... fill in the blank

But we call it Camp Crusty cuz that place is stank

It doesn't have a nice chapel with Central Air

It's kinda rustic and ghetto... but I don't care

This is the church camp where I began my search at

I found what I was missin' and dated my first Christian (Hey!)

But most important, man-my soul got clean

Which is an irony at Crusty, if you know what I mean


--------


I Got a God (feat. Amy Caton)


Verse 1

Knock, knock, lady, I was wond'rin' if maybe

We could tell you 'bout our god while you're taking care 'o babies

I'm not interested, man, I'm already a Christian

Yeah-I am, too... but, uh, why don't you just listen

... What you say we open up the Book of Mormon

That'd be fine but I don't wanna hear your sermon

Uh oh, ma'am, tell me it ain't so

Do you getta kick outta tellin' God "no"?

Aw, that's weak... is that the best that you got?

How can I make it crystal-clear-I got a God

What's your God got to do with this? - I told ya

I'm not tryin' to hear that, Miss

I'm not one of those girls that goes prayin' around

I don't wanna be pushy, but let us break this thing down

You have to admit, your history is controversial

Yeah, I know it, baby, but you like our commercials

Now, that might be true, but your doctrines are odd

Besides, I already told ya...


Chorus

I got a God - What your God got ta do with this?

I gotta a God - I'm not tryin'a hear that, Miss

I gotta God - What your God got ta do with this?

I gotta a God - I'm not tryin' a' hear that


Verse 2

Do you mind if we both just come in for a minute?

Come on in, have some water, yeah, let's see how you spin-it

OK... you seem like an educated adult

Yeah, I call 'em like I see 'em, man, your church is a cult

And boys... I'm afraid that I refuse to be played

You better skip to "Plan B" and slip me some Kool-Aid

No ma'am, we're notta cult, we Christ just like you do

Then why you tryin' to convert me, here, preachin' this doo-doo

I think if you would just let me talk for a while

You'd really like what we teach and you just might crack a smile

You know your religion ain't for women so "can it"

You fellas think you'll both become the gods of your own planets

You'll have a beautiful harem and be celestial studs

So pardon me for sounding like such a stick-in-the-mud

Wow-you seem to know more about our church than we thought

But our god's not a sexist-you just need to be taught

Just read this Holy Book and ask God if it's true

If your gut starts burnin'-then He's speaking to you

I ain't gotta ask yo god diddley-squat

Cuz I already told ya...


Verse 3

So, I'm curious... is there a man in the house

Not right now, but yeah, man, I do have a spouse

Well, how would he feel about the knowledge I'm layin'

He don't want no more wives, if that's what you're sayin'

Naw-that ain't what I mean... that doctrine's old-school

You clowns revise your teachings too much-that ain't cool

I was just wonderin' if he's a Christian like you

Maybe he'll consider that our words might be true

Convert a black man-yeah, that'd be great

Since your god was a bigot 'til '78

We've been misrepresented on the racism issue

We're a persecuted people - Please... get me a tissue

If you would just hear me out... I think that you'd find-

Yer god's pretty fickle, keeps changin' his mind

You need a lot of White-Out to keep up this charade

If you ask me it sounds like that book was man-made

So, you don't agree with all of the stuff that you've read...

You ain't allowed to drink coffee and you baptize for the dead

You believe that Christ Jesus and Satan are brothers?

But if you'd just let me explain why that is-Did I studder?

If you would keep an open mind, I think you'd like this a lot

I think you need some Q-tips, cuz I told ya...


Verse 4

Well, we appreciate your time although this hasn't been pretty

Yep, have a nice trip back to Salt Lake City

Can we pray with you briefly before you tell us goodbye

Nope-tell Joseph Smith and Brigham Young I said "hi"

[BING-BONG]

Oh, great! Now, who could that be?

Would you like a free Watch-tower maga-zine?

We're Jehovah's Witnesses, giving out some free Bibles

Oops! We see you've got company, should we come back in a while?

Hi, we're both Mormons

Oh... hi, we're J-Dubs

Well, isn't this great-I can feeeeel the love

Well, any problem that you got, ma'am, you know our god can solve 'em

I already got a God

You gotta what? How long you had that problem?


-----------


People Skills


Verse 1

I once knew a man; He was a tool in Satan's hand

Every time we had some dialogue, He would tick me off

I vowed that I would love this dude, even though he was extremely rude

I would have him to my house for food and I would try to keep my cool

But then the comments came; He made several jokes about my name

And pointed out just how much weight I'd gained, and then I stood up from my chair...

And I said...


Chorus

People skills

Oh, to buy some people skills

I wish you had some people skills

Then you could be my friend


Verse 2

Well, I flew at this man with the quickness of a Jackie Chan

My intention was to bottom slam and kill him with my bare hands

But then I saw his eyes, I noticed that he was surprised

He sincerely did not realize... that he lacked people skills


Verse 3

I know that God says not to hate, but if that were some day to change

And we could take one man to the shooting range, I've got my guy picked out


------------


Easter Sunday (feat. Jim Sanders & Jason Maric)


Verse 1

Easter Sunday...alarm goes off so I clock it

Call Jason Maric in between eatin' chocolate

Hello? (What up, J?)
Yo Sanders, what's cracking?
You thinking what I'm thinking? (Matinee!!) Then it's happenin'.

But first my hunger pangs are about to go nuts

Just hit up Krispy Kreme and scope out some doughnuts

No doubt those "Hot Nows" got all the bomb icing
I love those pastries like Bob Barker loves pricing

Two, no six, no twelve-gimme another!

I told you that I'm crazy for these doughnuts, brother!

Yo-where's the movie playing? (Cinemark, Valley View)

Afterward, we'll hit McDonald's for the fastest food

I prefer Burger King (That's a good one, too.)

Quaker Steak's got them wings. (Tru dat!) TRIPLE TRUE!

Rockside & Canal (Step on it, see ya later!)
Whatchu got M-Dawg? (Snack attack, playa-hater!)

Chorus

It's the first (Full moon!) after Equinox

I said the first (Full moon!) after Equinox

We love that first (Full moon!) after Equinox

I need that first (Full moon!) after Equinox


Verse 2

A pit stop for pop, the theater is overpriced
You got that backpack? (Gonna pack it up nice.)
Don't want the rent-a-cop to get suspicious
Root Beer & Peeps equals Crazy Delicious!
Yo, reach in my pocket, pull out some coin rolls

The girl acted like she never seen some pennies befo'

We're 'bout to get fat like a glutton

Throw some snacks in the bag and we're outtie like a belly button

Roll up to the theatre, the matinee is intense

But you can call us Secret Service, from the way we're savin' Presidents

Walked in the lobby (What the crap am I seeing?)

This is where that new church called Momentum is meeting?

We slipped into the service so fast it was scary

We sat in awe as the band played the theme from Drew Carey

Now we get up and go to Mo every weekend

And we always pack doughnuts to eat while Dan's speakin'

Chorus

-----------


Baby Got Book Intro


Check it out, man, that girl's bad to the bone - look!

She got a Bible that's as big as a phonebook

That thing looks like it's eight inches thick

She got some big ol' biceps from carryin' it (She's ripped.)

You praya haters better move out the way

She probably prayin' for ya soul today

I'm 'bout to slide up take a closer look

She just might be my dream girl cuz baby got book


----------


Baby Got Book (Buy-Her-a- Rock Remix)


Intro

Oh my goodness, Becky, look at her Bible

It is so big

She looks like one of those preacher guys girlfriends

But... you know... Who understands those preacher boys

They only talk to her because she looks like Mother Teresa, ok?

I mean her Bible... it's just so big

I can't believe it's so huge

Uggh! It gross!

Look, she's just so... righteous


Verse 1

I like big Bibles and I can not lie

You Christian brothers can't deny

That when a girl walks in with a KJV

And a book mark in Proverbs

You get stoked

Got her name engraved

So you know that girl is saved

It looks like one of those large ones

With plenty o' space in the margins

Oh baby, I wanna read witcha

Cause your Bible's got pictures

My minister tried to console me

But that Book you got makes ("M-m-me so holy")

Ooh, momma-mia

You say you want koinonia

Well, bless me, bless me

And teach me about John Wesley


I saw her praying

While I was DJing

She got grace... pretty face

She ain't goin' down to the bad place

I'm tired of heathen guys

Sayin' they like pocket-size

Ask the average Christian to take a look

She's gotta pack much Book


So... Fellas (Yeah), fellas (Yeah)

Has your girlfriend got the Book (Oh yeah!)

Well, read it (Read it!), read it (Read it!), read that Holy Book

Baby got Book


Chorus

(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)

Baby got Book

(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)


Verse 2

I like 'em leather and bound

It's 50 pounds

I just can't understand

How it is, some weenie

Wants the Bible on CD

She wanna get you saved

Amen! Double up! A-men!

I ain't talkin' about a paraphrase

Cuz Paul wouldn't use those anyways

I like 'em real thick and red-lettered

You can't find nothin' better

Southpaw's in love

Bibles that big are unheard of

So I'm sittin' here thinkin' "What if...

I find me a girl that shows midriff?"

You can have those bimbos

I'll keep those chick that do devos

A word to the Christian sistas

I can't resist ya

I'll do God's time witcha

But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna pray

Til the break of day

Baby, got it goin' on

Like the wife in Pro-verbs 31

We just might get engaged

When we finish reading this page

Cuz it's worn and it's torn

And I know this girl's reborn


So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)

Do you wanna save people from Hades (yeah)

Then read it... 'til the pages fall out

Even white preachers got to shout

Baby got Book


(Thompson Chain with big red letters)



Baby got Book


Yeah baby

When it comes to a good book

Stephen King's resume just can't compare

39 + 27 = 66 books

And if you're Catholic... there's even more


So your girlfriend quotes Bill Hybels

But does she got a big Bible?

Cuz that little things she's got won't start a revival

My Bible study don't want none,

Unless you got Book, Hon

You can read Clancy or Grisham

But please don't loose this Book

Some brothers wanna play that hard hard role

And tell you that Book's too old

So they toss it and burn it

And I pull up quick to just learn it

So your girl likes paperback?

Well I ain't down with that

Cuz my girlfriend's hot her Bible's rockin'

And she's got good doctrine

To the atheist chicks who try to dis

You ain't it Miss Priss

Give me a Christian, I'm insistin'

And I'll greet her with some holy kissin'

Some pervert tried to chase

But he didn't make it past first base

She's quick to resist temptation

And she loves a new translation

So ladies who were lost and found

If you want the triple-six thrown down

Dial 1-800-reads-a-lot

And teach me about those Psalms

Baby got Book


(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)

Baby got Book

(Thompson Chain with big red letters)


(Bible college knowledge but she still got Book)


(Sample: "B-I-B-L-E are the letters for all of you out there that are forgetters; get you a Bible... )


---------


The Christians Who Pirate Everything


Intro

And now it's time for "Silly Songs with Southpaw"-the part of the show where Southpaw comes out and sings... a silly song. Joining Southpaw are Dr. Download and Mr. Sticky Fingaz who, together, make up the infamous gang of hypocrites-The Christians Who Pirate Everything!


Chorus

We are the Christians who pirate everything

We just get on-line and surf around

And if you ask us to purchase anything

We'll just tell you... "We pirate everything."


Verse 1

Well I've never bought a CD

And I've never paid for cable

And I never buy a movie cuz they cost like 20 bucks

And I don't support rock artists

And I never have proof-of-purchase

And I never paid for Photo Shop Deluxe


Verse 2

Well, I borrow a Christian CD

And I save it on my laptop

Then I burn 100 copies and I sell some on Ebay

All the rest I give to sinners

Yes - I do it all for Jesus

I have prayed about it; God said, "It's okay." ("Hey!")


Interlude

Voice 1: OK-so, I've burned a few copies of Lifehouse and Switchfoot. I call it "creative budgeting." I'm just being a good steward of the few resources God has given me.


Voice 2: I'm with ya! I bought a bootleg DVD of The Passion of the Christ a few years back. It was a quality copy... and that movie was off the Caveziel, yo!


Voice 3: That's nothing! I've Xeroxed dozens of copies of the New Testament. I'm not buying all those Bibles just to give out to my friends... who might not even become Christians! Shoot-God's the one who wrote it, anyways... not Zondervan!


Verse 3

Well, I've never smoked a doobie

And I've never mugged an old guy

And people of the same sex have never turned me on

Well, I've never called Christmas "Xmas"

And I'll never host a dogfight

So I think that I'm entitled to some songs


Verse 4

Well I've never bought a CD

And I've never paid for cable

And I never buy a movie I just bootleg it instead

And I don't support rock artists

And I've never read Romans 13

I love God but the FBI can go drop dead


Voice 1: Pass the thumb drive!


---------


Jack & Jill Ran Up the Bill


Verse 1

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

It started before their wedding

Her Dad couldn't pay for DJs and bouquets

So the newlyweds started sweating


Verse 2

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

At Christmas-look what they spent!

They just had to get it, so they put it on credit

The interest was twenty percent!


Verse 3

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

They maxed their credit cards out

But they buckled down and soon they found

They could pay the minimum amount


Verse 4

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

But they wanted to be debt-free sooner

To solve the prob, Jill got a job

And found daycare for Jack, Jr.


Verse 5

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

Jill's paycheck became a wash

Daycare costs bucks, but their discipline sucks

And Jill often worked late with her boss


Verse 6

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

Their home was now void of laughter

But Jill's eyes got watery, when they won the lottery

And lived happily ever after


-------------


Beneficiary of a Mismatch


Verse 1

Let me be honest, I ain't lyin' to y'all

I was a late-bloomer if I ever bloomed at all

At 16, I could eclipse the sun with my nose

I had some skinny chicken legs and some K-Mart clothes

My pimples were big; and my muscles were little

I had a "butt-cut"-hair was parted right down the middle

And nobody's teeth were as crooked as mine

When I smiled-it looked like I was throwing up gang signs

Absolutely no hair on my arms or legs

I looked like a burn victim or Greg Louganis

I didn't get many dates, growing up in the 80s

I was an eyesore, always strikin' out with the ladies

I need a girl with the perspective of Shallow Hal

Who sees my inner-beauty-not just a "buddy" or "pal"

You see, I shower every day, but I'm not much of a catch

So, man, I wanna be the beneficiary of a mismatch


Chorus

APB to dispatch, I need a mismatch

Callin' all chicks who need a charity fix

Aimin' higher than I should, hopin' I can convince

A pretty lady to kiss a frog and pray for a prince


Verse 2

I ain't playin'-I wanna get my mismatch on

Like Jennifer losing Brad, then dating Vince Vaughn!?!

Like Grandpa Douglas hookin' up with Catherine-Zeta Jones

That dude musta bought about a thousand T-Mobile phones

Why is Beyonce with chubby-cheeked Jay-Z?

Holy Billy Bob Thornton an' Angelina Jolie?

And if you get a sit-com before the end of your life

Ask Bernie Mac who on earth cast his TV wife

Some girls in this world look like they lost a bet

Lookin' like Princess Fiona... but their datin' Shrek!

And I'll take that sweet mismatch any ol' day

And I don't even care what all my close friends say

They can whisper that she's outta my league but dagnabbit

I wanna be like Roger with Jessica Rabbit

I need a wife that's boomin' like an M-16

Then I'll be like that fat dude from the King of Queens

God, why can't a woman have compassion on me

I'd be a total gentleman-just try me and see

I'd put the toilet seat down... but I guess I'm no catch

I just wanna be the beneficiary of a mismatch...


Verse 3

Then when I turned 18, I started living the dream

I hit the motherload at the Christian college scene

When I arrived on campus, couldn't believe me eyes

I saw hotties walkin around with the homeliest guys

And they weren't just friends, I was totally shocked

To see the way that their fingers were interlocked

And I don't mean to be rude, but I just had to conclude

That Christian chicks seems to pick up the ugliest dudes

Now... don't get me wrong-cuz that's NOT a complaint

And don't think that I'm saying it should change, cuz I ain't

I just went to work fast to find me a wife

And then I saw the hottest girl I had seen in my life

I said, "Baby-girl, you're hot and I'm not

But if you give me a shot, then I'll thank God a lot

That there's a woman in this world who looks past looks

And you must be a godly woman cuz 'Baby Got Book'"

She paused for a minute then she cracked a smile

To let me know my rap was worth her while

I picked her up at seven, we rented Can't Buy Me Love

A mismatch made in heaven, just like a foot in a glove

And now that I'm married the girls are flirtin' and thangs

But I say, "Sorry, I'm taken" and then I flash the ring

I open doors for my bride and suddenly I'm a catch?

It feels GREAT to be the beneficiary of a mismatch...


Chorus #2

APB to dispatch, I found a mismatch

Call off the search, I found a girl in the Church

If you're a hot Christian girl... uh oh!-here's the catch

You're prob'ly gonna be the benefactor of a mismatch...


-------------


Me So Holy (Rated PG-12)


Verse 1

[M-m-me so holy] ... since the day I got saved

And I'm the most deserving dude that God ever forgave

I'm... holier than thou; I'm the cat's meow

I take communion with my pinky finger pointin' out

And when you come to my church, we do a cavity search

Quite room... rubber glove... with a dude name Lurch

Because I truly think you're dirty and we're better than you

And there is no offensive smell coming from my poo-poo

I've got a plank in my eye but I'm repulsed by your speck

So I'm offended by words like "darn" & "heck"

And I really don't like ya sayin' "gosh" & "jeez"

And I'm fluent in English and Christianese

Been going to church... since I can remember

TBN tells me know how to vote in November

If you see a weak spot, man, I dare you to show me

I'm God's little homey, cuz me so holy


Chorus

(What?)

Me so holy

(What? What?)

So Holy


Verse 2

Yeah-I know that we're under grace; we're not under the Law

And Christ died to make us holy and blah, blah, blah

But I love it when a preacher puts some stank on it

Hellfire & brimstone, you can bank on it

Ya see, I tell it straight-up just like that girl Dr. Laura

The best story in the Torah is Sodom & Gomorrah

I'm like Dora the Explorer, cuz the Bible is my map

It's in my backpack-and I speak down to you when I rap...


"I'm the crap, I'm the crap, I'm the crap, I'm the crap"


And, personally, I think that Jesus was too nice to sinners

They were all up in his Kool-Aid while Dude was eatin' dinner

In John chapter 8, they caught a women having sex

Shoot-if I'da been Jesus, I'da stoned that broad to death

But that's just my opinion, I don't mean to be blunt

I didn't rise from the dead, so Christ can do what he want

As for me, I picture God as a spiritual bully

I'm his roughneck cronie, cuz me so holy


Verse 3

Yes, I'm virgin, even though the girls are urgin'

I've done everything but "go all the way" cuz... that would be splurging

I blurred the lines with my girlfriend after a whole lotta hintin'

But what I'm doing ain't sex according to Bill Clinton

My last girlfriend was a prude and she gave me the boot

Because I tried to climb the tree and take hold of the fruit

But it's all gravy, my new girl's the one

We're doin' a verse-by-verse study in Song o' Solomon

And when we go to the movies, we always miss the plot

Because she got some inner-beauty but she's also freakin' hot!!

My hands are Roman and her lips are Russian

But our Gentiles have never met, because we know the repercussions

We went to "True Love Waits" - we know what purity's all about

But she lost her ring in my backseat one night when we were making out

We read Joshua Harris' book and it made us both cry

And that night we totally French-Kissed Dating Goodbye [Google: Joshua Harris]

So now we're "just friends" but, you know, we're "friends with bennies"

And we still suck face 'til 1 a.m., and pretend we were out at Denny's

She's meetin' all my needs but guards virginity like a goalie

I'm saving intercourse for marriage, because me sooooo holy


------------


I'm the Crap (Interlude)


When you need to have the best, let me get this off my chest

I'm the crap

I'm the crap, I'm the crap


When you need a humble guy, there just me, myself, and I

I'm the crap

I'm the crap, I'm the crap


I'm the crap

I'm the crap

I'm the crap

I'm the crap

I'm the crap!!


-----------


I Love Lake James


Chorus

Lake likka-lake, likka-likka Lake James

Not frikka-far from frikka Fort Wayne

All up-inside your brikka-brik brain

Ridin' the J-jikka-jikka J-Train


Verse 1

Lake James Christian-no "Assembly" required

Cuz if nobody showed up, I'd probably still be inspired

Because the Holy Spirit just feels thick in this place

And when the devil shows up we always kick-in his face

I've been coming for years, so I can clearly report

That Lake James ain't crusty, it's a phat resort

Every time that I visit, I think I play every sport

We play volleyball, carpetball, and run full-court

We only average three or four hours o' sleep, at best

Because we giggle all night and have fart contests

But if you feel like interrupting your R.E.M.

There's a polar bear swim at 6 a.m.

Check out the house on the island, dawg, you'll be impressed

But how does pizza get delivered to that dude's address?

... And I really wish that I could go tubin,' man

Instead, I'm eatin' nasty food out of the Goober Can at...


Verse 2

I think this camp is great and I don't mean to gripe

But I walked on the Holy Grass and I almost got sniped

I rode the broom around the room at half-past-noon

And pretty soon I'm gonna pitch some of my secular tunes

An' I'll be blunt, you little runts can front all you want

But I'll find the most people during Faculty Hunt

And when it's time for Snack Shoppe, I'm a [Running Riot!]

Cuz I'm a high school student on a hi-carb diet

And I love the evening worship, man, I sit by the chicas

We sing our guts out right in front of the speak-ahs

Don't get the preacha started on Acts 2:38

Or on Friday we'll have students getting dunked in the lake

You would think this whole place was filled with guns and knives

Got 80 people goin' up rededicatin' their lives

It goes: Worship... preachin'... God shows up

Decisions... life-change... this place blows up; Cuz it's...


Bridge

Now... When I say "I," ya'll say "Love"

I (Love), I (Love)

When I say "Lake James," ya'll say "Lake James"

Lake James (Lake James), Lake James (Lake James)...


Verse 3

And just when you think the whole camp's been reached

We throw on our sweatshirts and head down to the beach

We light the campfire up and hear somebody teach

He said, "Quit Smurfin' around and go do some outreach!"

The whole time that he's preachin', I think he's talkin' to me

You see, I once was blind, but now I see in HD

And if the campfire speaker thinks that we're getting bored

He yells, "Attitude check?" ("Praise the Lord!!")

Yeeeeah... That's why LJ exists

So if you're down with this you better pump ya fist

And give props to the Daddy of the Prodigal Son

And don't forget what happened here until your life is done; I love...


Grand Finale

When I say "I," ya'll say "Love"

I (Love), I (Love)

When I say "Lake James," ya'll say "Lake James"

Lake James (Lake James), Lake James (Lake James)


When I say "My," ya'll say "My"

My (My), My (My)

When I say "Life Changed," ya'll say "Life Changed"

Life Changed (Life Changed), Life Changed (Life Changed)


When I say "I-I," ya'll say "Luh-Love"

I-I (Luh-Love), I-I (Luh-Love)

When I say "Likky-Likky," ya'll say "Lake James"

Likky-Likky (Lake James), Likky-Likky (Lake James)


When I say "I," ya'll say "Love"

I (Love), I (Love)

When I say "Lake James," ya'll say "Lake James"

Lake James (Lake James), Lake James (Lake James)


--------------


Mary Had a Little Lamb

Written by Rob Harris (Copyright 1995; Used with permission)


Mary had a little lamb, fleece as white as the snow,

Everywhere Mary went the little lamb was sure to go.

Her father came home early one day

And gave her the news he dreaded to say...

The sins of the family carried a price,

And Mary's lamb would be their sacrifice.

Mary started to cry, and couldn't keep from asking why,

"Passover's coming again,

And the blood of the lamb will pay for our sin."


The years were kind to Mary's young life,

Soon she was promised as a carpenter's wife,

Then an angel delivered news of great joy ---

She was gonna have a baby boy!

Jesus will be the name of the child,

So God and His children may be reconciled,

In Bethlehem's stable, in the fullness of time,

Mary had a little Lamb.


Joseph passed on, children all grown,

Passover's coming and Mary's alone,

The sins of the nation carried a price,

And Mary's Lamb would be their sacrifice.

She awoke in the night to the roar of a crowd,

Blinded by evil, angry and loud.

"Give us Barabbas," she heard them say,

And like a lamb to the slaughter,

Her son was taken away.


Mary started to cry and couldn't keep from asking why,

Her father's words echoed again...

"The blood of the Lamb will pay for our sin."

She stood at the cross, friends by her side,

"Father, forgive them," He prayed then He died,

As she wept at the feet of an innocent man,

Mary found herself under the blood

Of the Passover Lamb.

Through her tears, she remembered the face

Of a childhood companion who died in her place.

Now this child she delivered as a faithful young girl,

Willingly laid down His life

To deliver the world.



"The Caucasian Invasion" (2005) Lyrics

"Reading The Hobbit"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2004

Verse 1
Lord of the Rings
I don't understand a thing
Can you explain the plot to me
Jackson assumes
That everyone in this room
Knows all of the back-story

Bridge
I'm in the theater with my friends
Having popcorn and a Coke
Giving courtesy laughs about this film
But I don't get their jokes

Chorus
I don't know who this Bilbo is
Or how he got that ring
I missed a real important part
When I left to take a pee
I've been lost for at least five hours
And the end is not in sight
So I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
Tonight

Verse 2
So I logged on
To Amazon.com
They shipped it to me fast that week
I read spellbound
About a hole in the ground
Where there lived this little circus freak

Bridge
I don't want to be the one
Who's never read this book
But right now I cannot tell
A Baggins from a Took

Chorus
I don't know who this Gollum is
Or why he loves bling bling
Can someone buy him a pair of drawers
To cover his G-string
And who the heck is Precious
This dude just don't seem right
So I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
Tonight

Hard Bridge
I'll stay up all night long
But man this book seems long
I'm slammin' Mountain Dew
Now I made it to Chapter Two

Chorus
I don't know who this Gandolf is
Or why he doesn't use a wand
I'm confused by all these dumb subplots
And I'm not even blonde
I don't know why he starts off Grey
But then he dies and he turns White
So I'm reading The Hobbit

Chorus
Who the heck is Samwise
And why'd he change his name
He used to be Rudy
When he played for Notre Dame
And why did Frodo just kiss Sam
That just don't seem right
So I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
Tonight


"Baby Got Book"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2004

Intro
Oh my goodness, Becky, look at her Bible
It is so big
She looks like one of those preacher guys girlfriends
But...you know...Who understands those preacher boys
They only talk to her because she looks like Mother Teresa, ok?
I mean her Bible...it's just so big
I can't believe it's so huge
Uggh! It gross!
Look, she's just so...righteous

Verse 1
I like big Bibles and I can not lie
You Christian brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with a KJV
And a book mark in Proverbs
You get stoked
Got her name engraved
So you know that girl is saved
It looks like one of those large ones
With plenty o' space in the margins
Oh baby, I wanna read witcha
Cause your Bible's got pictures
My minister tried to console me
But that Book you got makes ("M-m-me so holy")
Ooh, momma-mia
You say you want koinonia
Well, bless me, bless me
And teach me about John Wesley

I saw her praying
While I was DJing
She got grace...pretty face
She ain't goin' down to the bad place

I'm tired of heathen guys
Sayin' they like pocket-size
Ask the average Christian to take a look
She's gotta pack much Book

So...Fellas (Yeah), fellas (Yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the Book (Oh yeah!)
Well, read it (Read it!), read it (Read it!), read that Holy Book
Baby got Book

Chorus
(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)
Baby got Book
(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)

Verse 2
I like 'em leather and bound
It's 50 pounds
I just can't understand
How it is, some weenie
Wants the Bible on CD
She wanna get you saved
Amen! Double up! A-men!

I ain't talkin' about a paraphrase
Cuz Paul wouldn't use those anyways
like 'em real thick and red-letteredYou can't find nothin' betterSouthpaw's in love
Bibles that big are unheard of

So I'm sittin' here thinkin' "What if...
I find me a girl that shows midriff?"
You can have those bimbos
I'll keep those chick that do devos
A word to the Christian sistas
I can't resist yaI'll do God's time witcha
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna pray
Til the break of day
Baby, got it goin' on
Like the wife in Pro-verbs 31

We just might get engaged
When we finish reading this page
Cuz it's worn and it's torn
And I know this girl's reborn

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
Do you wanna save people from Hades (yeah) Then read it...'til the pages fall out
Even white preachers got to shout
Baby got Book

(Thompson Chain with big red letters)
Baby got Book

Yeah baby
When it comes to a good book
Stephen King's resume just can't compare
39 + 27 = 66 books
And if you're Catholic...there's even more

So your girlfriend quotes Bill Hybels
But does she got a big Bible?
Cuz that little things she's got won't start a revival
My Bible study don't want none,Unless you got Book, Hon

...You can read Clancy or Grisham
But please don't loose this Book

Some brothers wanna play that hard hard role
And tell you that Book's too old
So they toss it and burn it
And I pull up quick to just learn it
So your girl likes paperback? Well I ain't down with that
Cuz my girlfriend's hot her Bible's rockin'
And she's got good doctrine
To the atheist chicks who try to dis
You ain't it Miss Priss
Give me a Christian, I'm insistin'
And I'll greet her with some holy kissin'
Some pervert tried to chase But he didn't make it past first base
She's quick to resist temptation
And she loves a new translation
So ladies who were lost and found
If you want the triple-six thrown down
Dial 1-800-reads-a-lot
And teach me about those Psalms
Baby got Book

(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)
Baby got Book
(Thompson Chain with big red letters)

Bible college knowledge but she still got Book (4 Xs) 

Check out the music video for "Baby Got Book" on the "Left-Handed Humor" DVD available now at the www.whiteboyDJ.com store!


"At this Moment"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2004

Intro
I do think that I'll always be there
I'd give almost anything and everything and I'll occasionally care
Through good times and really awesome times,
For better or for best
I will probably love you with every beat of my heart

Verse 1
At this moment, this seems like fun
At this moment, you're number one
I will trust you but sign this prenup
At this moment, Hun

Verse 2
At this moment, this feels long-term
I will love you, as long as you're firm
Unless you gain weight like a pachyderm
At this moment, Hun

Chorus I
This marriage, it could last for 50 years
Or it could last for just two days like Britney Spears'
Our date night interferes with my career
I've persevered for three whole years

Verse 3
At this moment, you're getting bald
I can't stand it when you chew that loud
If you don't shut up, I'll get this annulled
At this moment, Hun

Verse 4
At this moment, you're such a jerk
You're my soul mate...unless this takes work
Do you mind if I commute to New York
At this moment, Hun

Chorus II
This marriage, it could last for 50 years
If you quit keep playing slingshot with my new brassier
Our date night interferes with my career
I've persevered for three whole years

Verse 5
At this moment life will be sweet
If you bow down and worship my feet
I bought your ring but I kept the receipt
At this moment-
I will love you, I will love you, just don't overeat
At this moment, Hun


"Our Firstborn"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2005

Our firstborn, Zion Daniel Smith
His name was hard to choose
As soon as he came out
We began to shout,
"Hey! Our firstborn Zion Daniel Smith!"
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da...


"NOVA (The Northern VA Anthem)"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2005

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the nation's capital...

N to the izz-O...V to the izz-A...

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to busiest area in the world-the VA suburbs of the Chocolate City-Washington, D.C. ...NoVA!
Thanks for moving here for a whole 3 years and then moving back out.
You coulda been transferred to any place in the world, but you chose to be here with us.
And we appreciate that....unhhh...

Verse 1
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' shizzle my dizzle, used to live in Northern V-A
Was a resident near the home of the president
Our townhouse was heaven-sent
We only had to pay 1300 bones fo' rent
Cheese is green, we spent every red cent
Just to survive in the town where they give up Starbucks for lent
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' sheezy my deezy, payin' bills ain't easy
Can't escape politics, it's so sleazy
Liberals wanna hate on W's "strategery"
Snipers tried to snipe me, terrorists tried to crash us in,
But somehow, the area just keeps growin'
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
I'm not wealthy, trying to be healthy,
And not a workaholic, that's...what I resist
So poof goes my money...'cuz, uh, NOVA's rich

Chorus
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' shizzle my dizzle, used to live in Northern V-A
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
That's the suburbs, home of the Hummers
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Not comin' home from work, I'm too biz-ay
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
That's the anthem, work 'til 1 a.m.

Verse 2
Living in this culture accelerates your age
One year in D.C. is like a stinkin' decade
You'll whither up fast and turn really pale
Like the guy in The Last Crusade drinkin' from the wrong Holy Grail
NFL fans here hate me, always tryin' to debate me
Saying the Washington Redskins shoulda been the team of the 80s
But I never argue with my neighbor 'cuz that dude makes me nervous
He can probably kick my butt because I think he's secret service

Chorus

Verse 3
Yeah, Southpaw's back, talkin' smack through rap
But I do it on CD so you can't talk back
And I ain't even jokin' when I tell you that
When I'm in NOVA, I can barely afford a Big Mac
I was raised in Toledo, turntables and needles
Packed up grandma's sofa, moved out to NOVA
Got caught in rush hour, sat for three hours
And if I fill up my tank it'll cost me $50 dollars
And you might be "at risk" if NOVA's where you live
Because to drive in the fast lane you gotta be HOV positive
And whoever named the streets should be drop-kicked
'Cuz they ran out of ideas and named every road Braddock
New Life and Picantes, the two things I'll miss
The birth of two children, that's what I'll reminisce
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
I'm moving away today but I'm caught in traffic on the beltway

Chorus


"Lots of Caucasians"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2005

Verse 1
If there are lots of Caucasians
What will it be like
When we worship in the sky
If there are lots of Caucasians
On the golden streets
Will they cause the rest of us to clap offbeat
If there are lots of Caucasians

Chorus
Surrounded by white people
I just have to ask,
When they dance for you, Jesus
Will we be allowed to laugh?
Will you bless us all with rhythm
Or will that gift be withheld?
Will they dance real smooth like Usher
Or like Elaine from Seinfeld
If there are lots of Caucasians
If there are lots of Caucasians

Verse 2
If there are lots of Caucasians, will we be allowed
To shout "Amen!" or agree outloud
If there are lots of Caucasians and suburbanites
Will they pass-out cold when they see that You're not White
If there are lots of Caucasians
If there are lots of Caucasians

Chorus 2
Surrounded by White people
I just have to say
That I'd take Kirk Franklin's music
Over Stryper any day
I'd take afros over mullets
When we gather 'round Your throne
Cuz if we let White people lead us
It'll sound like a country song
If there's lots of Caucasians (Yeah)
If there are lots of Caucasians

Chorus 1 Repeated
...Will they dance like Michael Jackson...

If there are lots of Caucasians
On the golden streets
Will they cause the rest of us to clap off-beat?


"Y Don't We Pray" (Feat. Tim Jones)
Lyrics by Tim Jones; Copyright 2004

Verse 1
Young man, there's no need to feel down, I said
Old guy, when you're wearing a frown, I said,
Ladies, feel like you're 'bout to drown
There's no need to be unhappy
Hey dude, there's a place you can go, I said
Hey babe, no where near Idaho
You can stay there and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to reach the divine

Chorus
The burning question is...
Y Don't We Pray
Can someone tell me, please...
Y Don't We Pray
It's got everything that you need for your soul
But don't do it out loud in school
Y Don't We Pray
Y Don't We Pray
You can kneel you can stand
You can sit on your can
Or while you eat your Raisin Bran

Verse 2
Right now, you can get on your knees
You don't have to beg pretty please
He will hear you even if you're a sleeze
He waits with arms wide open

Chorus 2
The burning question is...
Y Don't We Pray
Can someone tell me, please...
Y Don't We Pray
It's got everything that you need for your soul
But don't do it out loud in school
Y Don't We Pray
Don't make me have to shout it...
Y Don't We Pray
You can kneel you can stand
You can sit on your can
Or while you eat your Raisin Bran
Y Don't We Pray!

Check out the music video for "Y Don't We Pray" on the "Left-Handed Humor" DVD available now at the www.whiteboyDJ.com store!


"My Thesis"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2005

Now, I want you to hear this so adjust your earpieces
When you look at my life, can you identify my thesis?
I don't say all this stuff just to sound facetious
But I wear jeans to church and T-shirts stained with greases
'cuz I don't connect in 3-pieces with the pant-leg creases
Like all the "Big Cheeses" showin' off their dimepieces
God loves you no matter what your expertise is
We're the centerpieces of the universe He polices
But that doesn't mean that He exists just to please us
It means He loves us so much that He smiles when He sees us
John 3:16 says God's Son came to meet us
And Verse 17 says He didn't come to ream us
Test every teaching for spiritual diseases
Like an amniocentesis on an unborn fetus
Because some people say that every religion frees us
Just like there are many ways for you and me to eat a Reeses
But I can't say that stuff just cuz it tickles and it pleases
And I refuse to cover the truth with Botox and hairpieces
I want His name and His game to be my life's thesis
And I don't wanna punk-out like that backslider Demas*
The whole point of us being here is to be His mouthpieces
So I wanna speak His Word from now 'til hell freezes
And when my rhymes flatline and my heartbeat ceases
...I wanna see Jesus

*Demas - See Philemon 23; Colossians 4:14; 2 Timothy 4:10; see also the "Ultimate Fighting Championship" sermon at the www.whiteboyDJ.com store, which is about Demas.


"Back to Track 1 (Ender-lude)"
Lyrics by Dan Smith; Copyright 2005

This is the track that let's ya know you're done
So let the song ride out and go back to Track 1
If this is bumpin' in your truck or your jeep
It should go back to Track 1 automatically

Or if you're in your living room chillin' with your folks
They might eject my CD cuz they're sick of my jokes
Or if your stereo's shufflin' on random play
You may not hear my Track 1 for another 8 days

Or if you're stuck in the 80s and you bought a cassette
You'll end up just sittin' there sayin', "What the heck?"
You'll have to flip it over then start Side A
Or you're be sittin' in silence for the rest of the day

But if you're listening to the radio, something's wrong
Cuz why would any station wanna play this song
But if by some miracle they're playing my track
I hope they bought Track 1 and play 'em back to back

Or if you're burning this track for someone ya know
Read Exodus 20 'n stop stealing my dough [Ex. 20:15]
Just get up and back away from your CD-ROM
And tell your friend to hit me up at whiteboyDJ.com

If this is bumpin' in your truck or your jeep
It should go back to Track 1 automatically
This is the track that let's ya know you're done
So let the song ride out and go back to Track 1