southpaw :: Lyrics

Find Something 2 Hold on 2 | D.E.B.'S. Kid | The Caucasain Invasion

"Find Something 2 Hold on 2" (2010) Lyrics

"Find Something 2 Hold on 2" (Dan Smith)

Intro
Find something to hold on to
Or when the place starts rockin' we might lose you (Fricka!)

Verse 1
My rap status is the phattest; sometimes I do it gratis
Take you up into the stratus with a breathing apparatus
We're the baddest - We'll make you feel it in your chest cavity
Now jump around like it's zero gravity
Get on the dance floor and let's see whatcha got
Crowd leapin' in the air as if the floor was hot
Got the mic in my hand... and you're likin' the band
Cuz there's violence in my jams like Silence of the Lambs
I see a mob full 'o geeks and freaks
But they all bob in unison when Southpaw speaks
The wiggity-wicka-DJ's on two Technics
And I could speak about the Truth for weeks and weeks
If you're girlfriend brought ya, maybe you should thank her
Don't overlook the thought of makin' her your anchor
Ya need somebody strong to keep you up on your feet
But just make sure that it's a person keepin' up with the beat

Chorus
Find something to hold on to
Or when the place starts rockin' we might lose you
Brace yourself because - oh my gosh
We don't want you to get squashed when we start to mosh
Find something to hold on to
Or when the place starts rockin' we might lose you
Just grab a partner and you better commit
Cuz you don't wanna get split when you jump in the pit

Verse 2
It's like a 10.8 on the Richter scale
Just like an earthquake in the Philippian jail
But don't harm yourself - cuz everybody's a'ight
And if you wanna get dunked, we can do it tonight - Right?
You don't wanna roll Han Solo
Crowds bouncin' up and down like a yo-yo
Music's so loud that they might call the po-po
If we get separated scream, "Marco?" ("Polo!")
Listen! Nobody gets left behind
Cuz any friend of yours is a friend of mine
Two are better than one, cuz if one falls down
There'll be another person there to help him up off the ground
So face the chaos - the sky is fallin'
Search and rescue - my highest callin'
This party is a parable about the world
So use the buddy system, now, boys and girls

[Chorus]

Bridge
I'm taking hits from...
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Non-stop - when we rock; This is why the party's hot
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Knock, knock - gridlock; This is why I'm getting socked

[Chorus]

This party is a parable about the world
So use the buddy system now, boy and girls

Finale
Find something to hold on to...
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Find something to hold on to...
Non-stop - when we rock; This is why the party's hot
Find something to hold on to...
3 o'clock, 6 o'clock, 9 o'clock, 12 o'clock
Find something to hold on to...
Knock, knock - Gridlock - This is why I'm getting socked

"D.E.B.'S. Kid" (2008) Lyrics

Camp Crusty (The Church Camp Theme Song)

Intro Verse

Well, I been goin' to church camp since I was a kid

But when I first showed up, I nearly flipped my lid

You see, this place isn't funded by no Donald Trump

We call it Camp Crusty cuz this place is a dump

Chorus

Camp Crusty... that place is so musty

Camp Crusty, trust me... that place is so musty, dusty

Camp Crusty... that place is so musty

Camp Crusty, trust me... that place is so musty, dusty, rusty, crusty

Verse 1

Out in the middle of some freaky woods

Where the service on your cell phone ain't that good

There's a camp that dates way back to Adam and Eve

All my friends have been going since they were conceived

The place has a name but we call it Camp Crusty

Cuz even the cross on the sign is all rusty

The seats in the chapel are as hard as rocks

And the guys who is preachin' never owns a clock

An' you can prob'ly get a clue from the yellowish hue

The swimming pool's been dirty since early June

So if you swim one lap from here to there

When you come out you'll be covered with a pound of hair

And the toilets are the filthiest things that I've seen!

I'm never touch the commode, I just squat and lean...

Yeah, the cabins are neato, the campfire's groovie

But it looks like the perfect setting for a slasher movie at...

Chorus

Camp Crusty... that place is so musty

Camp Crusty, trust me... that place is so musty, dusty

Camp Crusty... that place is so musty

Camp Crusty, trust me... that place is so musty, dusty, rusty, crusty

Verse 2

The first thing that they do is, they tell us the rules

Don't dive in the pool and don't be acting a fool

No cell phones, iPods, or Halo 3

No PDA and no LSD

No alcohol, tobacco, and please don't curse

And please turn in your Ridiline to Crusty's nurse

No kissin' the girlies, and no givin' swirlies

If we catch ya doing this, then you'll go home early

Hugs not drugs, and no cigarettes

No guns, no bombs, and no bayonets

And I guess, one time, somebody brought their Petz

Cuz, now, every year we gotta hear 'bout that!

But the Dress Code stuff - you can't say enough

Or you'd have kids runnin' 'round this place in the buff

I thought girls would be modest at a Christian camp

Aw, snap! They're wearin' shirts from Baby Gap

They're wearin' Daisy Dukes and spaghetti straps

I bet their bathing suits are made o' plastic wrap

It's like Victoria's Secret, my brain is under attack

So please, Camp Dean, lay down the smack at...

Verse 3

There was definitely something in my bed, last night

I'm pretty sure it made a nest in my head, last night

And the spot between my shoulder blades is itchin' bad

Cuz I'm rockin' poison ivy from Capture the Flag

We got our camp photos back; they were passed around

I looked like an idiot cuz my fly was down

Already dying for some food from the outside world

Cuz one more camp meal's gonna make me hurl

You see, my camp's real name is... fill in the blank

But we call it Camp Crusty cuz that place is stank

It doesn't have a nice chapel with Central Air

It's kinda rustic and ghetto... but I don't care

This is the church camp where I began my search at

I found what I was missin' and dated my first Christian (Hey!)

But most important, man-my soul got clean

Which is an irony at Crusty, if you know what I mean

--------

I Got a God (feat. Amy Caton)

Verse 1

Knock, knock, lady, I was wond'rin' if maybe

We could tell you 'bout our god while you're taking care 'o babies

I'm not interested, man, I'm already a Christian

Yeah-I am, too... but, uh, why don't you just listen

... What you say we open up the Book of Mormon

That'd be fine but I don't wanna hear your sermon

Uh oh, ma'am, tell me it ain't so

Do you getta kick outta tellin' God "no"?

Aw, that's weak... is that the best that you got?

How can I make it crystal-clear-I got a God

What's your God got to do with this? - I told ya

I'm not tryin' to hear that, Miss

I'm not one of those girls that goes prayin' around

I don't wanna be pushy, but let us break this thing down

You have to admit, your history is controversial

Yeah, I know it, baby, but you like our commercials

Now, that might be true, but your doctrines are odd

Besides, I already told ya...

Chorus

I got a God - What your God got ta do with this?

I gotta a God - I'm not tryin'a hear that, Miss

I gotta God - What your God got ta do with this?

I gotta a God - I'm not tryin' a' hear that

Verse 2

Do you mind if we both just come in for a minute?

Come on in, have some water, yeah, let's see how you spin-it

OK... you seem like an educated adult

Yeah, I call 'em like I see 'em, man, your church is a cult

And boys... I'm afraid that I refuse to be played

You better skip to "Plan B" and slip me some Kool-Aid

No ma'am, we're notta cult, we Christ just like you do

Then why you tryin' to convert me, here, preachin' this doo-doo

I think if you would just let me talk for a while

You'd really like what we teach and you just might crack a smile

You know your religion ain't for women so "can it"

You fellas think you'll both become the gods of your own planets

You'll have a beautiful harem and be celestial studs

So pardon me for sounding like such a stick-in-the-mud

Wow-you seem to know more about our church than we thought

But our god's not a sexist-you just need to be taught

Just read this Holy Book and ask God if it's true

If your gut starts burnin'-then He's speaking to you

I ain't gotta ask yo god diddley-squat

Cuz I already told ya...

Verse 3

So, I'm curious... is there a man in the house

Not right now, but yeah, man, I do have a spouse

Well, how would he feel about the knowledge I'm layin'

He don't want no more wives, if that's what you're sayin'

Naw-that ain't what I mean... that doctrine's old-school

You clowns revise your teachings too much-that ain't cool

I was just wonderin' if he's a Christian like you

Maybe he'll consider that our words might be true

Convert a black man-yeah, that'd be great

Since your god was a bigot 'til '78

We've been misrepresented on the racism issue

We're a persecuted people - Please... get me a tissue

If you would just hear me out... I think that you'd find-

Yer god's pretty fickle, keeps changin' his mind

You need a lot of White-Out to keep up this charade

If you ask me it sounds like that book was man-made

So, you don't agree with all of the stuff that you've read...

You ain't allowed to drink coffee and you baptize for the dead

You believe that Christ Jesus and Satan are brothers?

But if you'd just let me explain why that is-Did I studder?

If you would keep an open mind, I think you'd like this a lot

I think you need some Q-tips, cuz I told ya...

Verse 4

Well, we appreciate your time although this hasn't been pretty

Yep, have a nice trip back to Salt Lake City

Can we pray with you briefly before you tell us goodbye

Nope-tell Joseph Smith and Brigham Young I said "hi"

[BING-BONG]

Oh, great! Now, who could that be?

Would you like a free Watch-tower maga-zine?

We're Jehovah's Witnesses, giving out some free Bibles

Oops! We see you've got company, should we come back in a while?

Hi, we're both Mormons

Oh... hi, we're J-Dubs

Well, isn't this great-I can feeeeel the love

Well, any problem that you got, ma'am, you know our god can solve 'em

I already got a God

You gotta what? How long you had that problem?

-----------

People Skills

Verse 1

I once knew a man; He was a tool in Satan's hand

Every time we had some dialogue, He would tick me off

I vowed that I would love this dude, even though he was extremely rude

I would have him to my house for food and I would try to keep my cool

But then the comments came; He made several jokes about my name

And pointed out just how much weight I'd gained, and then I stood up from my chair...

And I said...

Chorus

People skills

Oh, to buy some people skills

I wish you had some people skills

Then you could be my friend

Verse 2

Well, I flew at this man with the quickness of a Jackie Chan

My intention was to bottom slam and kill him with my bare hands

But then I saw his eyes, I noticed that he was surprised

He sincerely did not realize... that he lacked people skills

Verse 3

I know that God says not to hate, but if that were some day to change

And we could take one man to the shooting range, I've got my guy picked out

------------

Easter Sunday (feat. Jim Sanders & Jason Maric)

Verse 1

Easter Sunday...alarm goes off so I clock it

Call Jason Maric in between eatin' chocolate

Hello? (What up, J?)
Yo Sanders, what's cracking?
You thinking what I'm thinking? (Matinee!!) Then it's happenin'.

But first my hunger pangs are about to go nuts

Just hit up Krispy Kreme and scope out some doughnuts

No doubt those "Hot Nows" got all the bomb icing
I love those pastries like Bob Barker loves pricing

Two, no six, no twelve-gimme another!

I told you that I'm crazy for these doughnuts, brother!

Yo-where's the movie playing? (Cinemark, Valley View)

Afterward, we'll hit McDonald's for the fastest food

I prefer Burger King (That's a good one, too.)

Quaker Steak's got them wings. (Tru dat!) TRIPLE TRUE!

Rockside & Canal (Step on it, see ya later!)
Whatchu got M-Dawg? (Snack attack, playa-hater!)

Chorus

It's the first (Full moon!) after Equinox

I said the first (Full moon!) after Equinox

We love that first (Full moon!) after Equinox

I need that first (Full moon!) after Equinox

Verse 2

A pit stop for pop, the theater is overpriced
You got that backpack? (Gonna pack it up nice.)
Don't want the rent-a-cop to get suspicious
Root Beer & Peeps equals Crazy Delicious!
Yo, reach in my pocket, pull out some coin rolls

The girl acted like she never seen some pennies befo'

We're 'bout to get fat like a glutton

Throw some snacks in the bag and we're outtie like a belly button

Roll up to the theatre, the matinee is intense

But you can call us Secret Service, from the way we're savin' Presidents

Walked in the lobby (What the crap am I seeing?)

This is where that new church called Momentum is meeting?

We slipped into the service so fast it was scary

We sat in awe as the band played the theme from Drew Carey

Now we get up and go to Mo every weekend

And we always pack doughnuts to eat while Dan's speakin'

Chorus

-----------

Baby Got Book Intro

Check it out, man, that girl's bad to the bone - look!

She got a Bible that's as big as a phonebook

That thing looks like it's eight inches thick

She got some big ol' biceps from carryin' it (She's ripped.)

You praya haters better move out the way

She probably prayin' for ya soul today

I'm 'bout to slide up take a closer look

She just might be my dream girl cuz baby got book

----------

Baby Got Book (Buy-Her-a- Rock Remix)

Intro

Oh my goodness, Becky, look at her Bible

It is so big

She looks like one of those preacher guys girlfriends

But... you know... Who understands those preacher boys

They only talk to her because she looks like Mother Teresa, ok?

I mean her Bible... it's just so big

I can't believe it's so huge

Uggh! It gross!

Look, she's just so... righteous

Verse 1

I like big Bibles and I can not lie

You Christian brothers can't deny

That when a girl walks in with a KJV

And a book mark in Proverbs

You get stoked

Got her name engraved

So you know that girl is saved

It looks like one of those large ones

With plenty o' space in the margins

Oh baby, I wanna read witcha

Cause your Bible's got pictures

My minister tried to console me

But that Book you got makes ("M-m-me so holy")

Ooh, momma-mia

You say you want koinonia

Well, bless me, bless me

And teach me about John Wesley

I saw her praying

While I was DJing

She got grace... pretty face

She ain't goin' down to the bad place

I'm tired of heathen guys

Sayin' they like pocket-size

Ask the average Christian to take a look

She's gotta pack much Book

So... Fellas (Yeah), fellas (Yeah)

Has your girlfriend got the Book (Oh yeah!)

Well, read it (Read it!), read it (Read it!), read that Holy Book

Baby got Book

Chorus

(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)

Baby got Book

(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)

Verse 2

I like 'em leather and bound

It's 50 pounds

I just can't understand

How it is, some weenie

Wants the Bible on CD

She wanna get you saved

Amen! Double up! A-men!

I ain't talkin' about a paraphrase

Cuz Paul wouldn't use those anyways

I like 'em real thick and red-lettered

You can't find nothin' better

Southpaw's in love

Bibles that big are unheard of

So I'm sittin' here thinkin' "What if...

I find me a girl that shows midriff?"

You can have those bimbos

I'll keep those chick that do devos

A word to the Christian sistas

I can't resist ya

I'll do God's time witcha

But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna pray

Til the break of day

Baby, got it goin' on

Like the wife in Pro-verbs 31

We just might get engaged

When we finish reading this page

Cuz it's worn and it's torn

And I know this girl's reborn

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)

Do you wanna save people from Hades (yeah)

Then read it... 'til the pages fall out

Even white preachers got to shout

Baby got Book

(Thompson Chain with big red letters)

Baby got Book

Yeah baby

When it comes to a good book

Stephen King's resume just can't compare

39 + 27 = 66 books

And if you're Catholic... there's even more

So your girlfriend quotes Bill Hybels

But does she got a big Bible?

Cuz that little things she's got won't start a revival

My Bible study don't want none,

Unless you got Book, Hon

You can read Clancy or Grisham

But please don't loose this Book

Some brothers wanna play that hard hard role

And tell you that Book's too old

So they toss it and burn it

And I pull up quick to just learn it

So your girl likes paperback?

Well I ain't down with that

Cuz my girlfriend's hot her Bible's rockin'

And she's got good doctrine

To the atheist chicks who try to dis

You ain't it Miss Priss

Give me a Christian, I'm insistin'

And I'll greet her with some holy kissin'

Some pervert tried to chase

But he didn't make it past first base

She's quick to resist temptation

And she loves a new translation

So ladies who were lost and found

If you want the triple-six thrown down

Dial 1-800-reads-a-lot

And teach me about those Psalms

Baby got Book

(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)

Baby got Book

(Thompson Chain with big red letters)

(Bible college knowledge but she still got Book)

(Sample: "B-I-B-L-E are the letters for all of you out there that are forgetters; get you a Bible... )

---------

The Christians Who Pirate Everything

Intro

And now it's time for "Silly Songs with Southpaw"-the part of the show where Southpaw comes out and sings... a silly song. Joining Southpaw are Dr. Download and Mr. Sticky Fingaz who, together, make up the infamous gang of hypocrites-The Christians Who Pirate Everything!

Chorus

We are the Christians who pirate everything

We just get on-line and surf around

And if you ask us to purchase anything

We'll just tell you... "We pirate everything."

Verse 1

Well I've never bought a CD

And I've never paid for cable

And I never buy a movie cuz they cost like 20 bucks

And I don't support rock artists

And I never have proof-of-purchase

And I never paid for Photo Shop Deluxe

Verse 2

Well, I borrow a Christian CD

And I save it on my laptop

Then I burn 100 copies and I sell some on Ebay

All the rest I give to sinners

Yes - I do it all for Jesus

I have prayed about it; God said, "It's okay." ("Hey!")

Interlude

Voice 1: OK-so, I've burned a few copies of Lifehouse and Switchfoot. I call it "creative budgeting." I'm just being a good steward of the few resources God has given me.

Voice 2: I'm with ya! I bought a bootleg DVD of The Passion of the Christ a few years back. It was a quality copy... and that movie was off the Caveziel, yo!

Voice 3: That's nothing! I've Xeroxed dozens of copies of the New Testament. I'm not buying all those Bibles just to give out to my friends... who might not even become Christians! Shoot-God's the one who wrote it, anyways... not Zondervan!

Verse 3

Well, I've never smoked a doobie

And I've never mugged an old guy

And people of the same sex have never turned me on

Well, I've never called Christmas "Xmas"

And I'll never host a dogfight

So I think that I'm entitled to some songs

Verse 4

Well I've never bought a CD

And I've never paid for cable

And I never buy a movie I just bootleg it instead

And I don't support rock artists

And I've never read Romans 13

I love God but the FBI can go drop dead

Voice 1: Pass the thumb drive!

---------

Jack & Jill Ran Up the Bill

Verse 1

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

It started before their wedding

Her Dad couldn't pay for DJs and bouquets

So the newlyweds started sweating

Verse 2

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

At Christmas-look what they spent!

They just had to get it, so they put it on credit

The interest was twenty percent!

Verse 3

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

They maxed their credit cards out

But they buckled down and soon they found

They could pay the minimum amount

Verse 4

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

But they wanted to be debt-free sooner

To solve the prob, Jill got a job

And found daycare for Jack, Jr.

Verse 5

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

Jill's paycheck became a wash

Daycare costs bucks, but their discipline sucks

And Jill often worked late with her boss

Verse 6

Jack and Jill ran up the bill

Their home was now void of laughter

But Jill's eyes got watery, when they won the lottery

And lived happily ever after

-------------

Beneficiary of a Mismatch

Verse 1

Let me be honest, I ain't lyin' to y'all

I was a late-bloomer if I ever bloomed at all

At 16, I could eclipse the sun with my nose

I had some skinny chicken legs and some K-Mart clothes

My pimples were big; and my muscles were little

I had a "butt-cut"-hair was parted right down the middle

And nobody's teeth were as crooked as mine

When I smiled-it looked like I was throwing up gang signs

Absolutely no hair on my arms or legs

I looked like a burn victim or Greg Louganis

I didn't get many dates, growing up in the 80s

I was an eyesore, always strikin' out with the ladies

I need a girl with the perspective of Shallow Hal

Who sees my inner-beauty-not just a "buddy" or "pal"

You see, I shower every day, but I'm not much of a catch

So, man, I wanna be the beneficiary of a mismatch

Chorus

APB to dispatch, I need a mismatch

Callin' all chicks who need a charity fix

Aimin' higher than I should, hopin' I can convince

A pretty lady to kiss a frog and pray for a prince

Verse 2

I ain't playin'-I wanna get my mismatch on

Like Jennifer losing Brad, then dating Vince Vaughn!?!

Like Grandpa Douglas hookin' up with Catherine-Zeta Jones

That dude musta bought about a thousand T-Mobile phones

Why is Beyonce with chubby-cheeked Jay-Z?

Holy Billy Bob Thornton an' Angelina Jolie?

And if you get a sit-com before the end of your life

Ask Bernie Mac who on earth cast his TV wife

Some girls in this world look like they lost a bet

Lookin' like Princess Fiona... but their datin' Shrek!

And I'll take that sweet mismatch any ol' day

And I don't even care what all my close friends say

They can whisper that she's outta my league but dagnabbit

I wanna be like Roger with Jessica Rabbit

I need a wife that's boomin' like an M-16

Then I'll be like that fat dude from the King of Queens

God, why can't a woman have compassion on me

I'd be a total gentleman-just try me and see

I'd put the toilet seat down... but I guess I'm no catch

I just wanna be the beneficiary of a mismatch...

Verse 3

Then when I turned 18, I started living the dream

I hit the motherload at the Christian college scene

When I arrived on campus, couldn't believe me eyes

I saw hotties walkin around with the homeliest guys

And they weren't just friends, I was totally shocked

To see the way that their fingers were interlocked

And I don't mean to be rude, but I just had to conclude

That Christian chicks seems to pick up the ugliest dudes

Now... don't get me wrong-cuz that's NOT a complaint

And don't think that I'm saying it should change, cuz I ain't

I just went to work fast to find me a wife

And then I saw the hottest girl I had seen in my life

I said, "Baby-girl, you're hot and I'm not

But if you give me a shot, then I'll thank God a lot

That there's a woman in this world who looks past looks

And you must be a godly woman cuz 'Baby Got Book'"

She paused for a minute then she cracked a smile

To let me know my rap was worth her while

I picked her up at seven, we rented Can't Buy Me Love

A mismatch made in heaven, just like a foot in a glove

And now that I'm married the girls are flirtin' and thangs

But I say, "Sorry, I'm taken" and then I flash the ring

I open doors for my bride and suddenly I'm a catch?

It feels GREAT to be the beneficiary of a mismatch...

Chorus #2

APB to dispatch, I found a mismatch

Call off the search, I found a girl in the Church

If you're a hot Christian girl... uh oh!-here's the catch

You're prob'ly gonna be the benefactor of a mismatch...

-------------

Me So Holy (Rated PG-12)

Verse 1

[M-m-me so holy] ... since the day I got saved

And I'm the most deserving dude that God ever forgave

I'm... holier than thou; I'm the cat's meow

I take communion with my pinky finger pointin' out

And when you come to my church, we do a cavity search

Quite room... rubber glove... with a dude name Lurch

Because I truly think you're dirty and we're better than you

And there is no offensive smell coming from my poo-poo

I've got a plank in my eye but I'm repulsed by your speck

So I'm offended by words like "darn" & "heck"

And I really don't like ya sayin' "gosh" & "jeez"

And I'm fluent in English and Christianese

Been going to church... since I can remember

TBN tells me know how to vote in November

If you see a weak spot, man, I dare you to show me

I'm God's little homey, cuz me so holy

Chorus

(What?)

Me so holy

(What? What?)

So Holy

Verse 2

Yeah-I know that we're under grace; we're not under the Law

And Christ died to make us holy and blah, blah, blah

But I love it when a preacher puts some stank on it

Hellfire & brimstone, you can bank on it

Ya see, I tell it straight-up just like that girl Dr. Laura

The best story in the Torah is Sodom & Gomorrah

I'm like Dora the Explorer, cuz the Bible is my map

It's in my backpack-and I speak down to you when I rap...

"I'm the crap, I'm the crap, I'm the crap, I'm the crap"

And, personally, I think that Jesus was too nice to sinners

They were all up in his Kool-Aid while Dude was eatin' dinner

In John chapter 8, they caught a women having sex

Shoot-if I'da been Jesus, I'da stoned that broad to death

But that's just my opinion, I don't mean to be blunt

I didn't rise from the dead, so Christ can do what he want

As for me, I picture God as a spiritual bully

I'm his roughneck cronie, cuz me so holy

Verse 3

Yes, I'm virgin, even though the girls are urgin'

I've done everything but "go all the way" cuz... that would be splurging

I blurred the lines with my girlfriend after a whole lotta hintin'

But what I'm doing ain't sex according to Bill Clinton

My last girlfriend was a prude and she gave me the boot

Because I tried to climb the tree and take hold of the fruit

But it's all gravy, my new girl's the one

We're doin' a verse-by-verse study in Song o' Solomon

And when we go to the movies, we always miss the plot

Because she got some inner-beauty but she's also freakin' hot!!

My hands are Roman and her lips are Russian

But our Gentiles have never met, because we know the repercussions

We went to "True Love Waits" - we know what purity's all about

But she lost her ring in my backseat one night when we were making out

We read Joshua Harris' book and it made us both cry

And that night we totally French-Kissed Dating Goodbye [Google: Joshua Harris]

So now we're "just friends" but, you know, we're "friends with bennies"

And we still suck face 'til 1 a.m., and pretend we were out at Denny's

She's meetin' all my needs but guards virginity like a goalie

I'm saving intercourse for marriage, because me sooooo holy

------------

I'm the Crap (Interlude)

When you need to have the best, let me get this off my chest

I'm the crap

I'm the crap, I'm the crap

When you need a humble guy, there just me, myself, and I

I'm the crap

I'm the crap, I'm the crap

I'm the crap

I'm the crap!!

-----------

I Love Lake James

Chorus

Lake likka-lake, likka-likka Lake James

Not frikka-far from frikka Fort Wayne

All up-inside your brikka-brik brain

Ridin' the J-jikka-jikka J-Train

Verse 1

Lake James Christian-no "Assembly" required

Cuz if nobody showed up, I'd probably still be inspired

Because the Holy Spirit just feels thick in this place

And when the devil shows up we always kick-in his face

I've been coming for years, so I can clearly report

That Lake James ain't crusty, it's a phat resort

Every time that I visit, I think I play every sport

We play volleyball, carpetball, and run full-court

We only average three or four hours o' sleep, at best

Because we giggle all night and have fart contests

But if you feel like interrupting your R.E.M.

There's a polar bear swim at 6 a.m.

Check out the house on the island, dawg, you'll be impressed

But how does pizza get delivered to that dude's address?

... And I really wish that I could go tubin,' man

Instead, I'm eatin' nasty food out of the Goober Can at...

Verse 2

I think this camp is great and I don't mean to gripe

But I walked on the Holy Grass and I almost got sniped

I rode the broom around the room at half-past-noon

And pretty soon I'm gonna pitch some of my secular tunes

An' I'll be blunt, you little runts can front all you want

But I'll find the most people during Faculty Hunt

And when it's time for Snack Shoppe, I'm a [Running Riot!]

Cuz I'm a high school student on a hi-carb diet

And I love the evening worship, man, I sit by the chicas

We sing our guts out right in front of the speak-ahs

Don't get the preacha started on Acts 2:38

Or on Friday we'll have students getting dunked in the lake

You would think this whole place was filled with guns and knives

Got 80 people goin' up rededicatin' their lives

It goes: Worship... preachin'... God shows up

Decisions... life-change... this place blows up; Cuz it's...

Bridge

Now... When I say "I," ya'll say "Love"

I (Love), I (Love)

When I say "Lake James," ya'll say "Lake James"

Lake James (Lake James), Lake James (Lake James)...

Verse 3

And just when you think the whole camp's been reached

We throw on our sweatshirts and head down to the beach

We light the campfire up and hear somebody teach

He said, "Quit Smurfin' around and go do some outreach!"

The whole time that he's preachin', I think he's talkin' to me

You see, I once was blind, but now I see in HD

And if the campfire speaker thinks that we're getting bored

He yells, "Attitude check?" ("Praise the Lord!!")

Yeeeeah... That's why LJ exists

So if you're down with this you better pump ya fist

And give props to the Daddy of the Prodigal Son

And don't forget what happened here until your life is done; I love...

Grand Finale

When I say "I," ya'll say "Love"

I (Love), I (Love)

When I say "Lake James," ya'll say "Lake James"

Lake James (Lake James), Lake James (Lake James)

When I say "My," ya'll say "My"

My (My), My (My)

When I say "Life Changed," ya'll say "Life Changed"

Life Changed (Life Changed), Life Changed (Life Changed)

When I say "I-I," ya'll say "Luh-Love"

I-I (Luh-Love), I-I (Luh-Love)

When I say "Likky-Likky," ya'll say "Lake James"

Likky-Likky (Lake James), Likky-Likky (Lake James)

When I say "I," ya'll say "Love"

I (Love), I (Love)

When I say "Lake James," ya'll say "Lake James"

Lake James (Lake James), Lake James (Lake James)

--------------

Mary Had a Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb, fleece as white as the snow,

Everywhere Mary went the little lamb was sure to go.

Her father came home early one day

And gave her the news he dreaded to say...

The sins of the family carried a price,

And Mary's lamb would be their sacrifice.

Mary started to cry, and couldn't keep from asking why,

"Passover's coming again,

And the blood of the lamb will pay for our sin."

The years were kind to Mary's young life,

Soon she was promised as a carpenter's wife,

Then an angel delivered news of great joy ---

She was gonna have a baby boy!

Jesus will be the name of the child,

So God and His children may be reconciled,

In Bethlehem's stable, in the fullness of time,

Mary had a little Lamb.

Joseph passed on, children all grown,

Passover's coming and Mary's alone,

The sins of the nation carried a price,

And Mary's Lamb would be their sacrifice.

She awoke in the night to the roar of a crowd,

Blinded by evil, angry and loud.

"Give us Barabbas," she heard them say,

And like a lamb to the slaughter,

Her son was taken away.

Mary started to cry and couldn't keep from asking why,

Her father's words echoed again...

"The blood of the Lamb will pay for our sin."

She stood at the cross, friends by her side,

"Father, forgive them," He prayed then He died,

As she wept at the feet of an innocent man,

Mary found herself under the blood

Of the Passover Lamb.

Through her tears, she remembered the face

Of a childhood companion who died in her place.

Now this child she delivered as a faithful young girl,

Willingly laid down His life

To deliver the world.

"The Caucasian Invasion" (2005) Lyrics

Verse 1
Lord of the Rings
I don't understand a thing
Can you explain the plot to me
Jackson assumes
That everyone in this room
Knows all of the back-story

Bridge
I'm in the theater with my friends
Having popcorn and a Coke
Giving courtesy laughs about this film
But I don't get their jokes

Chorus
I don't know who this Bilbo is
Or how he got that ring
I missed a real important part
When I left to take a pee
I've been lost for at least five hours
And the end is not in sight
So I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
Tonight

Verse 2
So I logged on
To Amazon.com
They shipped it to me fast that week
I read spellbound
About a hole in the ground
Where there lived this little circus freak

Bridge
I don't want to be the one
Who's never read this book
But right now I cannot tell
A Baggins from a Took

Chorus
I don't know who this Gollum is
Or why he loves bling bling
Can someone buy him a pair of drawers
To cover his G-string
And who the heck is Precious
This dude just don't seem right
So I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
Tonight

Hard Bridge
I'll stay up all night long
But man this book seems long
I'm slammin' Mountain Dew
Now I made it to Chapter Two

Chorus
I don't know who this Gandolf is
Or why he doesn't use a wand
I'm confused by all these dumb subplots
And I'm not even blonde
I don't know why he starts off Grey
But then he dies and he turns White
So I'm reading The Hobbit

Chorus
Who the heck is Samwise
And why'd he change his name
He used to be Rudy
When he played for Notre Dame
And why did Frodo just kiss Sam
That just don't seem right
So I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
I'm reading The Hobbit
Tonight

Intro
Oh my goodness, Becky, look at her Bible
It is so big
She looks like one of those preacher guys girlfriends
But...you know...Who understands those preacher boys
They only talk to her because she looks like Mother Teresa, ok?
I mean her Bible...it's just so big
I can't believe it's so huge
Uggh! It gross!
Look, she's just so...righteous

Verse 1
I like big Bibles and I can not lie
You Christian brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with a KJV
And a book mark in Proverbs
You get stoked
Got her name engraved
So you know that girl is saved
It looks like one of those large ones
With plenty o' space in the margins
Oh baby, I wanna read witcha
Cause your Bible's got pictures
My minister tried to console me
But that Book you got makes ("M-m-me so holy")
Ooh, momma-mia
You say you want koinonia
Well, bless me, bless me
And teach me about John Wesley

I saw her praying
While I was DJing
She got grace...pretty face
She ain't goin' down to the bad place

I'm tired of heathen guys
Sayin' they like pocket-size
Ask the average Christian to take a look
She's gotta pack much Book

So...Fellas (Yeah), fellas (Yeah)
Has your girlfriend got the Book (Oh yeah!)
Well, read it (Read it!), read it (Read it!), read that Holy Book
Baby got Book

Chorus
(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)
Baby got Book
(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)

Verse 2
I like 'em leather and bound
It's 50 pounds
I just can't understand
How it is, some weenie
Wants the Bible on CD
She wanna get you saved
Amen! Double up! A-men!

I ain't talkin' about a paraphrase
Cuz Paul wouldn't use those anyways
like 'em real thick and red-letteredYou can't find nothin' betterSouthpaw's in love
Bibles that big are unheard of

So I'm sittin' here thinkin' "What if...
I find me a girl that shows midriff?"
You can have those bimbos
I'll keep those chick that do devos
A word to the Christian sistas
I can't resist yaI'll do God's time witcha
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna pray
Til the break of day
Baby, got it goin' on
Like the wife in Pro-verbs 31

We just might get engaged
When we finish reading this page
Cuz it's worn and it's torn
And I know this girl's reborn

So ladies (yeah), ladies (yeah)
Do you wanna save people from Hades (yeah) Then read it...'til the pages fall out
Even white preachers got to shout
Baby got Book

(Thompson Chain with big red letters)
Baby got Book

Yeah baby
When it comes to a good book
Stephen King's resume just can't compare
39 + 27 = 66 books
And if you're Catholic...there's even more

So your girlfriend quotes Bill Hybels
But does she got a big Bible?
Cuz that little things she's got won't start a revival
My Bible study don't want none,Unless you got Book, Hon

...You can read Clancy or Grisham
But please don't loose this Book

Some brothers wanna play that hard hard role
And tell you that Book's too old
So they toss it and burn it
And I pull up quick to just learn it
So your girl likes paperback? Well I ain't down with that
Cuz my girlfriend's hot her Bible's rockin'
And she's got good doctrine
To the atheist chicks who try to dis
You ain't it Miss Priss
Give me a Christian, I'm insistin'
And I'll greet her with some holy kissin'
Some pervert tried to chase But he didn't make it past first base
She's quick to resist temptation
And she loves a new translation
So ladies who were lost and found
If you want the triple-six thrown down
Dial 1-800-reads-a-lot
And teach me about those Psalms
Baby got Book

(NIV with a ribbon bookmark)
Baby got Book
(Thompson Chain with big red letters)

Bible college knowledge but she still got Book (4 Xs)

Check out the music video for "Baby Got Book" on the "Left-Handed Humor" DVD available now at the www.whiteboyDJ.com store!

Intro
I do think that I'll always be there
I'd give almost anything and everything and I'll occasionally care
Through good times and really awesome times,
For better or for best
I will probably love you with every beat of my heart

Verse 1
At this moment, this seems like fun
At this moment, you're number one
I will trust you but sign this prenup
At this moment, Hun

Verse 2
At this moment, this feels long-term
I will love you, as long as you're firm
Unless you gain weight like a pachyderm
At this moment, Hun

Chorus I
This marriage, it could last for 50 years
Or it could last for just two days like Britney Spears'
Our date night interferes with my career
I've persevered for three whole years

Verse 3
At this moment, you're getting bald
I can't stand it when you chew that loud
If you don't shut up, I'll get this annulled
At this moment, Hun

Verse 4
At this moment, you're such a jerk
You're my soul mate...unless this takes work
Do you mind if I commute to New York
At this moment, Hun

Chorus II
This marriage, it could last for 50 years
If you quit keep playing slingshot with my new brassier
Our date night interferes with my career
I've persevered for three whole years

Verse 5
At this moment life will be sweet
If you bow down and worship my feet
I bought your ring but I kept the receipt
At this moment-
I will love you, I will love you, just don't overeat
At this moment, Hun

Our firstborn, Zion Daniel Smith
His name was hard to choose
As soon as he came out
We began to shout,
"Hey! Our firstborn Zion Daniel Smith!"
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da...

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the nation's capital...

N to the izz-O...V to the izz-A...

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to busiest area in the world-the VA suburbs of the Chocolate City-Washington, D.C. ...NoVA!
Thanks for moving here for a whole 3 years and then moving back out.
You coulda been transferred to any place in the world, but you chose to be here with us.
And we appreciate that....unhhh...

Verse 1
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' shizzle my dizzle, used to live in Northern V-A
Was a resident near the home of the president
Our townhouse was heaven-sent
We only had to pay 1300 bones fo' rent
Cheese is green, we spent every red cent
Just to survive in the town where they give up Starbucks for lent
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' sheezy my deezy, payin' bills ain't easy
Can't escape politics, it's so sleazy
Liberals wanna hate on W's "strategery"
Snipers tried to snipe me, terrorists tried to crash us in,
But somehow, the area just keeps growin'
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
I'm not wealthy, trying to be healthy,
And not a workaholic, that's...what I resist
So poof goes my money...'cuz, uh, NOVA's rich

Chorus
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Fo' shizzle my dizzle, used to live in Northern V-A
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
That's the suburbs, home of the Hummers
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
Not comin' home from work, I'm too biz-ay
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
That's the anthem, work 'til 1 a.m.

Verse 2
Living in this culture accelerates your age
One year in D.C. is like a stinkin' decade
You'll whither up fast and turn really pale
Like the guy in The Last Crusade drinkin' from the wrong Holy Grail
NFL fans here hate me, always tryin' to debate me
Saying the Washington Redskins shoulda been the team of the 80s
But I never argue with my neighbor 'cuz that dude makes me nervous
He can probably kick my butt because I think he's secret service

Chorus

Verse 3
Yeah, Southpaw's back, talkin' smack through rap
But I do it on CD so you can't talk back
And I ain't even jokin' when I tell you that
When I'm in NOVA, I can barely afford a Big Mac
I was raised in Toledo, turntables and needles
Packed up grandma's sofa, moved out to NOVA
Got caught in rush hour, sat for three hours
And if I fill up my tank it'll cost me $50 dollars
And you might be "at risk" if NOVA's where you live
Because to drive in the fast lane you gotta be HOV positive
And whoever named the streets should be drop-kicked
'Cuz they ran out of ideas and named every road Braddock
New Life and Picantes, the two things I'll miss
The birth of two children, that's what I'll reminisce
N to the izz-O, V to the izz-A
I'm moving away today but I'm caught in traffic on the beltway

Chorus

Verse 1
If there are lots of Caucasians
What will it be like
When we worship in the sky
If there are lots of Caucasians
On the golden streets
Will they cause the rest of us to clap offbeat
If there are lots of Caucasians

Chorus
Surrounded by white people
I just have to ask,
When they dance for you, Jesus
Will we be allowed to laugh?
Will you bless us all with rhythm
Or will that gift be withheld?
Will they dance real smooth like Usher
Or like Elaine from Seinfeld
If there are lots of Caucasians
If there are lots of Caucasians

Verse 2
If there are lots of Caucasians, will we be allowed
To shout "Amen!" or agree outloud
If there are lots of Caucasians and suburbanites
Will they pass-out cold when they see that You're not White
If there are lots of Caucasians
If there are lots of Caucasians

Chorus 2
Surrounded by White people
I just have to say
That I'd take Kirk Franklin's music
Over Stryper any day
I'd take afros over mullets
When we gather 'round Your throne
Cuz if we let White people lead us
It'll sound like a country song
If there's lots of Caucasians (Yeah)
If there are lots of Caucasians

Chorus 1 Repeated
...Will they dance like Michael Jackson...

If there are lots of Caucasians
On the golden streets
Will they cause the rest of us to clap off-beat?

Verse 1
Young man, there's no need to feel down, I said
Old guy, when you're wearing a frown, I said,
Ladies, feel like you're 'bout to drown
There's no need to be unhappy
Hey dude, there's a place you can go, I said
Hey babe, no where near Idaho
You can stay there and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to reach the divine

Chorus
The burning question is...
Y Don't We Pray
Can someone tell me, please...
Y Don't We Pray
It's got everything that you need for your soul
But don't do it out loud in school
Y Don't We Pray
Y Don't We Pray
You can kneel you can stand
You can sit on your can
Or while you eat your Raisin Bran

Verse 2
Right now, you can get on your knees
You don't have to beg pretty please
He will hear you even if you're a sleeze
He waits with arms wide open

Chorus 2
The burning question is...
Y Don't We Pray
Can someone tell me, please...
Y Don't We Pray
It's got everything that you need for your soul
But don't do it out loud in school
Y Don't We Pray
Don't make me have to shout it...
Y Don't We Pray
You can kneel you can stand
You can sit on your can
Or while you eat your Raisin Bran
Y Don't We Pray!

Check out the music video for "Y Don't We Pray" on the "Left-Handed Humor" DVD available now at the www.whiteboyDJ.com store!

Now, I want you to hear this so adjust your earpieces
When you look at my life, can you identify my thesis?
I don't say all this stuff just to sound facetious
But I wear jeans to church and T-shirts stained with greases
'cuz I don't connect in 3-pieces with the pant-leg creases
Like all the "Big Cheeses" showin' off their dimepieces
God loves you no matter what your expertise is
We're the centerpieces of the universe He polices
But that doesn't mean that He exists just to please us
It means He loves us so much that He smiles when He sees us
John 3:16 says God's Son came to meet us
And Verse 17 says He didn't come to ream us
Test every teaching for spiritual diseases
Like an amniocentesis on an unborn fetus
Because some people say that every religion frees us
Just like there are many ways for you and me to eat a Reeses
But I can't say that stuff just cuz it tickles and it pleases
And I refuse to cover the truth with Botox and hairpieces
I want His name and His game to be my life's thesis
And I don't wanna punk-out like that backslider Demas*
The whole point of us being here is to be His mouthpieces
So I wanna speak His Word from now 'til hell freezes
And when my rhymes flatline and my heartbeat ceases
...I wanna see Jesus

*Demas - See Philemon 23; Colossians 4:14; 2 Timothy 4:10; see also the "Ultimate Fighting Championship" sermon at the www.whiteboyDJ.com store, which is about Demas.

This is the track that let's ya know you're done
So let the song ride out and go back to Track 1
If this is bumpin' in your truck or your jeep
It should go back to Track 1 automatically

Or if you're in your living room chillin' with your folks
They might eject my CD cuz they're sick of my jokes
Or if your stereo's shufflin' on random play
You may not hear my Track 1 for another 8 days

Or if you're stuck in the 80s and you bought a cassette
You'll end up just sittin' there sayin', "What the heck?"
You'll have to flip it over then start Side A
Or you're be sittin' in silence for the rest of the day

But if you're listening to the radio, something's wrong
Cuz why would any station wanna play this song
But if by some miracle they're playing my track
I hope they bought Track 1 and play 'em back to back

Or if you're burning this track for someone ya know
Read Exodus 20 'n stop stealing my dough [Ex. 20:15]
Just get up and back away from your CD-ROM
And tell your friend to hit me up at whiteboyDJ.com

If this is bumpin' in your truck or your jeep
It should go back to Track 1 automatically
This is the track that let's ya know you're done
So let the song ride out and go back to Track 1